Have you been considered the golden child your entire life? If so, you may face “golden child syndrome” later in life. Golden child syndrome is when a person is deemed the “perfect” or “successful” child growing up. This is the child the parents and other family members seem to have the most expectations for. As you can expect, a lot of pressure goes along with being the golden boy or golden girl. The effects of people always expecting so much out of you can start to hinder the trajectory of the rest of your life!
If you struggle with golden child syndrome, this article is for you! Keep reading to learn more about golden child syndrome and ways to cope with the pressures and expectations it comes with.
What it Means to Be a Golden Child
You may wonder what it means to be the golden child. What does golden child syndrome entail? Let’s go over some characteristics a typical golden child possesses.Gets Good Grades
Stays Out of Trouble and Helps
A golden child usually is never the one in trouble at home or school. The golden child stays out of trouble and is never called to the principle’s office or talked poorly about at a parent-teacher conference. At home, their good behavior usually continues. They rarely are the ones fighting or arguing with their siblings. They may even be the sibling that makes peace between the kids. Golden children often help their parents around the house, They are the ones who help clean up, set the table, take out the garbage, cook, etc. As you can see, golden children often assume much responsibility.Pressured By Their Parents
Golden children care deeply about their parent’s opinions. How could they not? Parents of golden children often shower the child in praise, set very high expectations for them, and rely heavily on their contributions to the family. As mbgmindfulness reports, golden children are often the product of narcissistic parents. The parents will rely heavily on the golden child to boost their self-esteem, often gloating about their child’s accomplishments to other people. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a disorder that affects .5% of Americans. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are usually characterized as feeling like they are above others. People with this disorder desire things like power, attention, and envy from others.
The DSM 5 definition of NPD:
- Constant feelings of grandiosity and superiority A desire for unlimited power, control, success
- An insatiable need for attention
- A belief in being better than others
- A High sense of entitlement
- Exploitative relationships – using or taking advantage of others
- A Lack of empathy
- A Large deal of envy
- Arrogance
The Negative Side of Being the Golden Child
People who have been labelled “golden children” their entire lives can face some troubling effects. Meanwhile, being the golden child in a family can lead to many long-term issues in relationships, parenting, work, mental health, and wellbeing such as self-worth and self-esteem.Stress, Burnout, Depression, and Anxiety
A golden child may have no childhood; that is to say, they assume an adult role very early as a child. They may only focus on productive tasks or whatever can help them to build a perfect resume. In order to get praise, approval, attention, and love from their parents, a golden child will need to be a high achiever and reach perfection constantly. Of course they have to work very hard to meet parents’ expectations.
For one thing, they can feel extreme pressure in their lives. These people will feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. In other words, high expectations for them will loom over them constantly. This immense stress can even lead to burnout. Due to the pressures to perform, achieve, and care for others, golden boys and golden girls may be more likely to develop anxiety and depression.
Boundary Issue
Apparently parents expect their golden boys and golden girls to fulfill parents’ dreams, but not children’s. The end result? Children have none of their own goals because parents have repeatedly violated the boundary. Consequently, children may feel empty inside when they try to pursue parents’ life goals.Part of the Gold Child Syndrome – People-Pleaser
It may feel like the golden child is always looking for other people’s approval. This constant need to make other’s happy can lead the golden child to develop people-pleasing habits. A people pleaser is someone who is usually liked by others for being easy-going and very agreeable. Dr. Sherry Pagoto believes that people start people-pleasing because they fear rejection from others. Pagoto thinks that people’s pleasing tendencies can start in childhood. If parents are overly hard on their kids for the mistakes they make, the child can grow up to develop anxiety over disappointing others.The Narcissist Golden Child vs. The Scapegoat
Without a doubt, the golden child could easily develop narcissism because of all favorite treatment from parents. The negative effects of being a golden child can also extend to the other siblings in the family. When there is a narcissist golden child, unfortunately there is usually a scapegoat in the family. In fact, the golden child and scapegoat dynamic in siblings often causes dysfunctional family relationships and affects both children in serious ways. The scapegoat may view the golden child as their competition; a person that they will never measure up to. They may strive for their parents love, but feel like they will never receive the affection the golden child does. The golden child and their siblings may all struggle with self-esteem issues brought on by their parent’s praise and neglect of the children.The AAPI Community and the Golden Child Syndrome
In the AAPI community, a golden child is usually a golden boy because the son almost always favored when he is supposed to carry the family name. Of course golden girls are not uncommon nowadays.
Truth be told, the “golden child” label puts a lot of pressure on a person growing up. People in the AAPI community face another stressful label, the “model minority.” The model minority label upholds the idea that AAPI people are extremely hardworking and easily succeed in school and work. While this seems may seem like a good thing, this theory actually stems from racism against AAPI people in America. Both labels put extreme expectations and pressure on children growing up.
The pandemic has brought so much more discrimination to AAPI communities. A child that is in the AAPI community needs to be supported now more than ever. The label of golden child or model minority only harms a person growing up and can lead them to face the negative effects mentioned before.
How to Cope With the Golden Child Syndrome
1. Awareness
Improving awareness is the first step to transformation because you need to acknowledge what’s causing you pain in order to change it. Indeed, it is important to get to know yourself outside of who your parents told you to be. One way to get better insight is to go inward and discover who you are and what you really want, rather than what your parents want from you,
2. Boost Self-Love and Support in Your Life
Many golden children rely on other people for their validation. Their entire lives have been comprised of praise from other people. This can make someone constantly feel like they need to achieve and get noticed by others. It can be hard for this person to look within themselves and find self-worth.
One way to heal from being a golden child is to take your power back and embrace it from within. Work on building your self esteem! Watch how you speak to yourself. Negative self-talk causes someone to bring their confidence down. The words you say to yourself matter so be mindful or what you say. Talking kindly to yourself and using words of encouragement or affirmations can help improve the way you view yourself.
As mentioned before, golden children often look for validation from other people. Since they crave that approval, failing and not being applauded can harm them greatly. Golden children can find it hard to be supportive to themselves in moments of failure. Building self-compassion is necessary in these times.
3. Stop Measuring Your Worth By Success
You are so much more than the what you can do for people or how much you’ve achieved in life. If you take away all the awards and accolades, you would still be you (and that is enough). Success can be wonderful to experience, but it doesn’t define your life. No one will ever be perfect; we are humans, after all.
Growing up as a golden child, you felt like you received love by how much you impressed and pleased others. Challenge your idea of what love means – you deserve to have people who care about you for YOU, not just what you can do for them.
4. Prioritize Your Needs and Boundaries
People who grew up as golden children can struggle with people-pleasing. People-pleasers often struggle saying “no” to people and setting boundaries. Setting boundaries and honoring your comfort level/limits is important; we all deserve to prioritize our needs and wants in life. Setting boundaries allows us to take control of our lives and enforce what we are and are not okay with happening.
When people don’t respect our boundaries, it shows us that they don’t truthfully respect us. Someone who respects you would want to make sure your comfort levels and needs were being protected.
5. Detach From Toxic People
As mentioned in the past sections, someone who should be in your life should respect and honor your boundaries. If there are people in your life who don’t do so or just negatively impact your life overall, know that you don’t have to continue allowing them in your life.
If people are still holding toxic standards or expectations over you, putting you in uncomfortable situations, or making you feel bad about yourself know that you don’t deserve this treatment. Distancing yourself from people who hurt you isn’t “mean” or uncalled for; it is necessary to maintaining your personal peace and happiness in life. You deserve to have amazing people around you that uplift and encourage you, rather than tearing you down.
6. Heal Your Inner Child
Since many people are labelled “golden child” from their parents and at an early age, they made need to do some inner-child work to cope. If you are interested in learning more, check out Mind Connection’s article for healing your inner child.
Use journaling, mindfulness meditation, or other forms to help to better understand yourself and improve acceptance. Acknowledge your limitations and efforts as a child. Practice using tools to empower yourself to make your own decisions as an adult.
7. Therapy Can Help You, Today!
Therapy can help golden children deal with the pressures and stress they face and how these things have affected their lives. I offer many services that can help you cope healthily with issues in your life – I provide therapy that helps people deal with tough relationships in their lives, self-esteem issues, and stress management – all topics a golden child (or former golden child) can come across.
I, along with the amazing therapists at Mind Connections, also specialize in helping Asian-Americans. Our therapists understand and advocate for this community, always!
Content Creator, Victoria Gallo; Reviewed by Dr. June Cao