Category: Wellness

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

Posted on by Victoria
  • What makes a healthy relationship? 
  • How do couples stay strong after years and years?
  • Are you looking for advice on making your relationship last?

If you can relate to any of these questions, this article is for you! When you are in the honeymoon phase, it feels like nothing could ever go wrong. You are so enamored by the other person that the idea of problems arising makes you shrug your shoulders. As time passes, couples go through many experiences together – many of them are good, and unfortunately, a handful of them might be bad. The strength of a relationship is tested when these low periods arise. You hope that you and your partner can make it through these rocky waters together. In America, divorce rates are at 50% – this statistic makes couples worry about their future together.

Don’t fear! If you are going through a tough time in your relationship currently, you deserve support! You may be wondering, “What makes a healthy relationship?” or, “How do I achieve longevity/happiness long-term? Before we answer these questions, let’s look at the reasons why you and your partner may be struggling. 

Why You May Be Struggling in Your Relationship 

1. There is No Trust

Trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. If you cannot trust your partner, it is common to feel a sense of dread when they are not with you or don’t answer your text right away. Another partner may have cheated on you, and you fear that the same will happen in this relationship – you may have this fear even though there are no signs of distrust so far. One of the partners may lack self-esteem and feel like they can lose their significant other at any moment. Finally, and most unfortunate, someone may have strayed in the relationship, which broke the trust entirely. 

No matter the reasoning, this lack of trust will cause a break in your foundation. If you cannot trust your partner, it will cause many arguments, disagreements, and stress in your life. 

2. Communication is Non-Existent or Terrible

Along with trust, healthy communication is essential in a relationship. Communication is important for many reasons. Here are some of the reasons that communication is necessary to have between you and your partner: 

  • Communication is essential when disagreements arise

    • As much as you may feel in sync with your partner/compatible, there will be times when issues will arise. To have a healthy relationship, you must be able to sit down with your partner and discuss these situations without yelling, blowing up, throwing things, or having it all escalate. If you cannot do this, it will be hard to resolve or compromise. This is how problems prolong themselves and survive without a solution in a relationship. 

  • Communication is important in your physical relationship with your partner 

    • An unhappy sex life is a significant reason people face problems in their relationship and break up or cheat. It is important to communicate with your partner about what you want and need in a relationship. Communication is also essential when it comes to consent. You deserve to be with a partner that makes you feel comfortable enough to say when you are not in the mood, uncomfortable, or want to stop. Consent can be given or taken back at any moment. You and your partner should communicate about consent each time you have sex.

  • Communication is essential when planning for/talking about your future

    • To be on the same page, you both have to communicate what you want out of your relationship. You may imagine a long-term relationship with your partner that involves buying a house, getting married, and having kids one day. On the other hand, your partner may feel totally different! They might not see this relationship as long-term and don’t desire to have kids or move in together. These conversations need to be discussed together, or it will cause confusion/disappointment.

3. You Have Grown Apart from Each Other

It is lovely to hear stories about high school or college sweethearts. Finding someone you love while you’re young and growing up together is an amazing experience. Many people can grow together and navigate the tides of life easily. However, other people find it hard to keep the spark alive. They may have met when they were younger and developed/grew into different people. Hopefully, when you are a grown adult, you won’t think the same way you did when you were a teen. People change their ideas, beliefs, ideologies, and perspectives on the world as they grow older, especially in their twenties. This may have caused division between you and your partner. You don’t recognize each other anymore, and the good times seem to be just in the memories you have together. 

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

It is essential to build up your communication and trust. As mentioned before, trust and communication are vital in a relationship. To have a healthy relationship, you must work on building these skills. There are a couple of ways to do so, but here are a few tips below:

1. Identify the Ways You Prefer to Communicate

Sometimes, it can be challenging to talk with your significant other because you have different conflict and resolution habits. For example, you may want to isolate yourself when you are upset after an argument, but your partner instead wants to talk right away. Sit down with your partner and discuss your communication preferences and what should happen when you both argue. Maybe you want to establish certain boundaries (i.e., specific topics need to be dealt with more care than others or particular topics are off-limits). Another example is that someone doesn’t like cursing/yelling when trying to communicate. 

2. Establish Boundaries in Your Relationship That Are Concrete

People often face difficulties in their relationships because the boundaries are unknown/ignored. What someone considers cheating may not be deemed cheating by someone else. For example, some think that liking other people’s pictures on social media or watching explicit videos/content is cheating. Their partner might not view this the same way. 

Talk about boundaries with your partner. Discuss what makes you feel comfortable or is a deal-breaker to you. After establishing these boundaries, if a partner crosses them, that’s a clear issue. This is also helpful for people who have polyamorous or open relationships. A polyamorous or open relationship can vary in many ways. For example, in your open relationships, you may have decided some rules with your partner. You both can be physical with other people but not pursue a romantic connection with anyone else. Figure out and establish what you and your partner are comfortable with.

3. Tell Your Partner What You Need to Feel Safe in a Relationship

relationship therapy - dating coach

If you struggle with trust, let your partner know what would make you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship. Sometimes, just an extra text when going out or an update throughout the day can make a partner feel more secure. It’s all about what works for you and your partner and how you guys can compromise in different situations. 

4. Continue Having Fun With Each Other

Another reason people break up or stray away from each other is because their relationship feels stagnant. There was a time when you and your partner always went out to dinner and did exciting things together. Now, you guys don’t leave the house or have any date nights. 

This can be common when couples have kids or other significant things in life to focus on daily. With everything going on in your life, it is still essential to tend to your relationship. Engaging in date nights/fun moments keeps the excitement alive in your relationship. You and your partner can still feel excitement by doing new things, taking new classes, trying new restaurants, or even practicing new hobbies with each other. Keep creating memories to prevent yourself from falling into the same, repetitive routine.

5. Explore Each Other’s Love Language

As mentioned before, you and your partner may differ in how you communicate or express yourself. A lot of times, opposite types of people attract. You both compliment and bring out the best in each other. However, this also means that you guys may possess very different ways of showing love and affection. Be sure to figure out your and your partner’s love language. The options can vary from:

  • Physical touch 
  • Quality time 
  • Gift giving 
  • Words of affirmation 
  • Acts of service

Find ways to show appreciation to your partner through their love language. For example, if your partner has gift-giving as their top love language, pick up flowers when you leave the grocery store or make them a special card. If their love language is physical touch, make sure to hug them when you say goodbye or put your hands on their shoulder when you are supporting them. You can find many different and special ways to show love to your partner that will translate to them as fulfilling.

6. Listen to Your Partner

This article has stressed the importance of communication in a relationship. Just as important as communicating with your partner is, listening to them is just as important. Listening to your partner means being open to what they say, remembering important details of their lives, and letting them know that you validate their emotions and feelings. You may not always agree with your partner, but make sure that they know that their opinion matters and you support their ability to express themselves. You might disagree on doing certain things, but it may lead to a quicker compromise if you identify and try understanding their POV.

Listening to your partner is also handy for the holidays or anniversaries. Listening to what they say lets you get them something that’ll make them feel like you pay attention to details and what they say. It will also be easier for you when stressing over what to get them as a gift.

7. See a Couples Counselor to Learn What Makes a Healthy Relationship

Couples counseling can be a great way to establish a healthy relationship with someone. Having a therapist talk to you about your problems may help you and your partner navigate troubled waters together. A therapist can listen to you both and give you a third-party opinion on the situations that present themselves.

A counselor can also help you identify if the relationship is beyond repair. Many couples can make it through their struggles, learn to communicate better, and love each other more deeply. Unfortunately, other couples may need to realize that their relationship is fading away, and they should separate healthily.

Chinese international students support group留学生心理健康互助小组

Chinese international students support group留学生心理健康互助小组

Posted on by junecao

Chinese International Students Support Group中国留学生互助小组

  • Are you a Chinese international student?
  • Attempting to adjust to the U.S. culture, school life, identity, and anxiety with speaking English?
  • Facing challenges with student life and relationships?
  • Feeling lonely, homesick, difficult separating from family and friends in China?
  • Stressed about academic performance?
  • Overwhelmed because of perfectionism, procrastination, and social anxiety?
  • Concerned about anti-Asian hate, microaggression, sexism, racism, or discrimination?
  • Guilty about taking a break to relax because you “should have” been studying?
  • Worried about speaking in public, going on job interviews, or asking someone for a date?
  • Uneasy about F1 student visa, CPT, OPT, H1B, lottery, and green card?
  • Other mental health and self-care issues?
If your answer is “YES” to any or all of the above questions, then you are a very good fit for our International Students Support Group! 
 

How can the International Students Support Group Help me? 留学生互助小组可以帮我什么？

Chinese International Students Support Group is a place where

  • it is safe and comfortable for you to share, bond, support, and help each other;
  • you can learn practical tools to deal with different challenges during your time in the U.S. 
  • everyone can participate in group activities to practice social skills, be in a team, form group dynamics, and help each other to succeed;
  • you will reach your goals for exploration, understanding, insight, self-discovery, growth, compassion, and change you hope to happen;
It is proved that Chinese international students who have participated in our Support Group have felt
  • more confident,
  • less lonely,
  • fit in the group,
  • more connected with others,
  • better able to use practical tools to manage stress,
  • more mindful and relaxed in everyday life, and
  • empowered to deal with the challenges of every day life as an international student. 

What is Discussed in the Chinese International Support Group留学生互助小组讨论的内容

  • Adjustment to the new country;
  • Stress management; 
  • Homesickness and ways to better cope with it;  
  • Anxiety, negative thinking, and tools to reduce it;
  • Mindfulness and meditation;
  • Emotion regulation skills for wise mind;
  • Body image, eating, and self-care;
  • Dealing with anti-Asian hate, sexism, racism, discrimination, and microaggression;
  • Better preparation for exams, presentations, and interviews;
  • Procrastination and skills for time management;
  • Tools to manage perfectionism;
  • Balance between student life, personal and social life;
  • Managing stress with visa and green card;
  • Friendships and boundary setting;
  • Relationships, breakups, and dating; and
  • Sex, sexual identities, and empowerment.

Group Facilitators小组主持人

Our group facilitators are mental health counselors with a master’s degree. The supervisor is Dr. June, our head psychologist. Our facilitators are warm, understanding, compassionate, professional, and knowledgeable. We implement evidence-based therapy approaches such as CBT, DBT, ACT, and Mindfulness to better assist you to achieve your inner-peace, compassion and growth.
 

Registration for Chinese International Students Support Group如何参加留学生支持小组

FEE: we will file claims for you based on your insurance
STARTING: September 14, 2021
DAY: Weekly meetings
TIME: Every Thursday

PLACE: Online via Zoom 

Individual Psychotherapy Services为留学生提供中文心理咨询

If you are looking for starting therapy or counseling on an 1:1 basis, visit our website for more information on how therapy works, our therapists‘ profiles, or contact us directly. 
How To Deal With Sunday Scaries, The Anxiety Of Another Work Week

How To Deal With Sunday Scaries, The Anxiety Of Another Work Week

Posted on by junecao
Sunday Scaries - anxiety of the work week

What is Sunday Scaries

Sunday Scaries, also called Sunday blues, Sunday depression, Sunday anxiety, or Sunday night syndrome. It is the dread that shows up at some point on Sunday when you realize another workweek will start in hours. You could feel nervous, restless, uneasy, irritable, or even have physical symptoms of stomach issues, headache, heart pounding, and insomnia. This anticipatory anxiety may build up to make you feel miserable for the rest of the weekend. Per recent Monster polling, about 67% experience the Sunday Scaries each week.

From the psychological perspective, Sunday Scaries is the type of anxiety or stress that people react or respond to the threat they perceive. The perceived threat could be the fear of performance at work during the workweek, supervisors’ evaluation, challenges of juggling all tasks with work and life, such as doctors’ appointments, childcare while at work, all the bills, clients’ comments, relationship with a coworker, or decision to return to office. In this process, we face all uncertainties that are anxiety provoking and easily lead to “what-ifs”, such as “what if my supervisor thinks I am an idiot”, “what if I lose my job”, “how can I handle if we don’t have medical insurance any more?”

Obviously, when we focus on uncertainties, we tend to underestimate our capabilities to cope with all the stress. Hence, the overwhelming pressure and helplessness could further exacerbate the fear and anxiety. That is to say, Sunday Scaries makes us feel uncomfortable, but we can manage it well by changing our thinking and behaviors.

The Pandemic Worsens Sunday Scaries

The pandemic has worsened the Sunday Scaries. With a record number of people working from home, our work and life has blended together. Despite more flexibility we may have, work could easily take our personal space. Prior to the pandemic, what we used to do on a weekday are happy hours, lunch out, or other socialization. Now our weekday routine is about work, Zoom meetings, child care, and mere human interaction. Weekends feel almost like boring rituals of another day, no outing, no gathering, and not much enjoyment. That is, the workdays actually become longer. 

Besides, many remote workers have admitted that they work on weekends, too. Let’s face it, the re-opening and returning to office process has brought some level of stress and anxiety to employees as well. Research has also suggested increased substance use during the pandemic, or more people probably need extra time to get over their hangover on Sunday.

 

How to Cope with Sunday Scaries

1. Clear your Mind

Sunday ScariesAs mentioned before, if Sunday Scaries stems from perceived threat, then you can learn to manage this anxiety better by changing such perceptions. This involves taking steps to actively clear your mind first. This requires you to ask yourself some questions, such as, 

  • What is your Sunday Scaries all about? 
  • The core of your fears? 
  • What do you worry about the most? 
  • The worst case scenario? 
  • What are your solutions when worst comes worst?

It is also essential to try to accept that things can go wrong and there is no certainty in life. However, if you were able to manage it in the past, you can cope now too. Clearing your mind could also mean focusing on your capabilities of handling work and life. It is a great idea to remind yourself of your leverage, experiences, skills, and achievements. Focusing on your strengths can help your transition from weekend to weekday a little easier.

2. Set the Relaxing Tone for the Weekend

Make conscious decision that your weekend is to relax, your goal is to be compassionate with yourself and take good care of yourself. Self-care is not just a buzzword, it is a decision to prioritize yourself and have your needs met. Everything else can wait, that is, work can wait, you don’t have to check emails or answer work phone calls. You may find something helps you to relax more than others. It can be a bubble bath, a nice meal, a book, music, arts, gardening, swimming, a walk, or any exercise.

3. Set aside a “Worry Time”

Those negative anxious thoughts on Sunday are likely to come up automatically. Therefore, creating a “worry time” of 15 minutes could help you to handle those worries directly. For example, if your “worry time” is 7:30pm, spend this entire time thinking only about your worries and negative thoughts. Write them down in your journal. At the end of 15 minutes, let go of those worries with some Calming Breaths, then return to other activities. 

If you start to worry before your “worry time”, tell yourself you will wait till your regular time to focus on all the worries. This way, you dwell on your worst fears and you go over them repeatedly. Chances are, when you review the same material in detail again and again, eventually this kind of exposure reduces the meaning attached to your worries. 

4. Create a To-Do-List

If you have too much on your plate and that triggers your Sunday Scaries, it is a good idea to take some time on Friday night to plan your weekend and the coming week. Write down what you hope to accomplish over the weekend and your priorities for next week. This way, you are being proactive about the week to come. The benefits of planning, making to-do-lists, and thinking about the future will reduce your stress.  

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about the process of focusing non-judgmental awareness thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When the fears and anxiety attack you on Sunday afternoon, practicing mindfulness helps you to shift attention from worries to the present moment. You can also practice mindfulness at any time. When you walk outside, cook, eat, clean, take a shower, take a test, or work out. 

Simply put, mindfulness is like “meditation on-the-go.” When you remain mindful, you live from moment to moment, instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Even if you have uncomfortable thoughts, you do not have to react upon them. By accepting their existence and letting them pass, you can develop a new response to fear and anxiety. With practice, mindfulness meditation can help you to create inner peace and less anxiety.

6. Seek Support

You don’t have to deal with the Sunday Scaries alone. Check in with family, friends, and loved ones. Vent to them, laugh with them, cry on their shoulders, or simply sit there together and do nothing. Find a support group for people with similar experiences. Maybe you can make friends and help support one another. The sense of community can empower you to cope with your Sunday Scaries better.

7. Get Therapy

Therapy could help you to get to the core of your underlying issues. On the surface level, Sunday Scaries is some uneasiness, a good therapist can help you to dig out why it happened, what the deeper issues are, how to change it. Seeking professional help is always a great way to better your mind, deal with your emotions better, respond to stressors in a calmer way, and let go of the baggage in order to heal. Besides, therapy helps you to change your thoughts and use healthier ways of thinking. 

Dr. June and her team are therapists to help you to manage your anxiety about work, life, relationship, and health. Give us a call free for 15 minutes and we will help you to practice skills to deal with your Sunday Scaries.

9 Tips To Stop A Panic Attack

9 Tips To Stop A Panic Attack

Posted on by junecao
panic attack

Do you find yourself having panic or anxiety attacks often? Is it difficult to ask for help or speak to anyone about panic attacks? Do you avoid social situations in fear that you will have a panic attack in public? Please continue to read to learn how to stop a panic attack before it happens.

What is a panic attack?

You may hear the term “panic attack” often. People may use it lightly as an exaggeration when speaking about being nervous. But what does a panic attack feel like? How do you tell when someone is having a panic attack? 

A panic attack is an unexpected and intense wave of fear.  It can lead to severe physical reactions. When panic attack occurs, your heart pounds, you can not breathe. You may feel like you are going crazy, losing control, or even dying. In fact, there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. Panic attacks may come about without a trigger and can happen at any time. For example, when you are driving a car, during a meeting, or you may even have a panic attack in sleep. 

Panic attack vs. heart attack

Panic attack and heart attack share similar symptoms. Actually some people believe they are having a heart attack and go to ER multiple times.

There are many different variations that come with panic attacks. Specifically, how long does a panic attack last, or how severe it feels. Generally speaking, it will peak at a few minutes and will make the person feel fatigued once it subsides.

Difference between Panic attack and Panic disorder

Many people with anxiety report having panic attacks. Actually like many people, you may have just one or two panic attacks in your lifetime. The problem could go away when stress ends. However, there is another condition, panic disorder.  What is the difference between panic attack and panic disorder?  If you have had panic attacks multiple times and spent long periods in constant fear of another attack, you may have panic disorder.  Approximately 2-3% of Americans experience panic disorder in a given year, according to the ADAA. They also note that it is twice as common for women than for men to experience panic disorder, and symptoms will usually begin in the late teens to early adulthood. 

Symptoms and signs of a panic attack

Although panic attacks may look different for everyone, there are general signs and symptoms of a panic attack. It typically includes some of these symptoms: stress meter panic attack

  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Dizziness or lightheadedness
  • Nausea
  • Chills
  • Shortness of breath
  • Rapid heart rate
  • Hot flashes
  • Abdominal cramping
  • Numbness
  • Feeling dying

Causes of panic attacks

 There are many different reasons why someone may be experiencing panic attacks. Some of the factors may include:

  • Genetics: A history of panic attacks or panic disorder may put one at risk for panic attacks.
  • Trauma: Sexual assault, a serious accident, or any other traumatic experience.
  • Major life changes, such as having a child, moving out of town, or starting a new job.
  • Unhealthy habits, such as smoking or excessive caffeine intake.
  • A history of childhood abuse or sexul assault.

No matter the cause for the onset of panic attacks or panic disorder, it is important to note that there are things you can do to help to deal with and overcome these challenges. Thinking about the potential factors that have contributed to panic attacks can be important. That is, they can help you overcome the roots and underlying anxieties to your panic.

Social Tolls and Dangers of Panic Attacks

Related to panic attacks is the avoidance of social events or situations in fear that they will cause a panic attack. One of the scariest parts of experiencing a panic attack can be the fact that another one can happen, and at any moment. Since panic attacks don’t need a specific trigger to start, it can lead to people avoiding situations altogether. Reading our blog on social anxiety can help to overcome the fear of social situations related to panic attacks.

It is also important to note the other potential risks that may come along with panic attacks. These could include issues such as problems at work or school, depression or other anxiety disorders, alcohol or substance abuse, and other complications. Dealing with panic attacks or panic disorder can be stressful. That is why it is so important to be proactive and get the right help you need.

How to Stop a Panic Attack

There is no set way to stop panic attacks from happening, but there are many ways you can deal with and potentially prevent a panic attack before it happens.

1. Get medical treatment to stop panic attacks

Medical treatment can help to reduce the symptoms of panic attacks, including intensity and frequency of panic attacks, hence improve your daily functioning and quality of life. Go to a medical care professional and get the right medical care you need. This can include getting prescription with medicine such as SSRIs, SNRIs,  benzodiazepines, or receiving other healthcare advice.

2. Regular sleep and exercise patterns

Having regular sleep and exercise schedules can help to deal with symptoms of panic attacks and anxiety. Yoga is a great form of movement that can help deal with these symptoms.

3. Practice mindfulness meditation and other breathing exercises

One of the main symptoms of panic attacks is shortness of breath, or hyperventilating. If you are able to control your breathing, it can greatly reduce the severity of a panic attack. Focus on taking deep breaths, in and out through the mouth. Set specific counts for how long you hold the breath in, and how long you exhale.

In mindful meditation, you use nonjudgmental awareness to accept or acknowledge your feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations. When are you about to have a panic attack, it is important to fully acknowledge the existence of any panicky emotions, feelings, and thoughts. The more you can experience them in your body and mind, the less anxious you would feel,  and the more you can  let them be. 

4. Remind yourself that a panic attack is temporary

The symptoms of a panic attack usually reaches its peak within 10 minutes. Very rare does it last more than an hour. In other words, a panic attack usually ends within 20 to 30 minutes. It feels uncomfortable, but is not dangerous. It is important to remember that what you are experiencing is a panic attack and that it will pass shortly.

5. Close your eyes to stop a panic attack

Panic attacks may be more severe if there are many stimuli involved. Closing your eyes can help to tone down your environment. This way, it helps you to feel more relaxed. By the same token, this will also help with breathing exercises as mentioned above.

6. Focus on an object

Finding an object and focusing on as many details about it as possible. This can help to ground you during a panic attack. It can help to control other thoughts going on through your mind, so that you don’t focus on too many things at once. This is actually a simplified grounding technique we introduce below.

7. Use Grounding techniques to deal with a panic attack

Grounding technique means to bring your attention to what is happening to you physically, either in your body or in your surroundings. When your mind is racing mind, grounding brings you back to the here-and-now. It is very helpful in managing overwhelming feelings or anxiety. instead of being trapped by the thoughts in your mind that are causing you to feel anxious. In other words, it helps you to stay in the present moment instead of being trapped by the worrying thoughts in your mind.

The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique

grounding technique

The typical 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique uses all five senses to help you to redirect attention from anxious thoughts back to the present moment. It starts with you sitting comfortably. Close your eyes and take a few deep breathes. Open your eyes, look around you, and name out loud:

5 – things you can see (look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (e.g., your skin, the texture of the material on your chair, feel what your hair feels like; something in front of you that you can touch, etc.)

3 – things you can hear (e.g., traffic noise, birds chirping, foot stepping, music, AC, TV, water running, ).

2 – things you can smell (coffee, tea, freshly cut grass, vegetable, fruit, fragrance, essential oil…)

1 – thing you can taste (candy, chocolate, water, raisin, or any fruit. Take a small bite or sip. Let it swill around your mouth for a couple of seconds, really savoring the flavor).

Take a deep breath to end the exercise. 

8. Develop healthy habits

Certain healthy habits can help to prevent panic attacks.  For example, controlling your alcohol or coffee intake, as well as your diet, A 2010 study at Harvard Medical School showed that nutritional strategies can help to ease anxiety. Specifically,  antioxidant, if included in the anti-anxiety diet, may help to reduce symptoms of anxiety disorders.

This Harvard study listed foods considered high in antioxidants by the USDA include:

  • Beans: Dried small red, Pinto, black, red kidney
  • Fruits: Apples (Gala, Granny Smith, Red Delicious), prunes, sweet cherries, plums, black plums
  • Berries: Blackberries, strawberries, cranberries, raspberries, blueberries
  • Nuts: Walnuts, pecans
  • Vegetables: Artichokes, kale, spinach, beets, broccoli
  • Spices with both antioxidant and anti-anxiety properties include turmeric (containing the active ingredient curcumin) and ginger.

9. Therapy for panic attacks

One of the most important ways to help deal with, and potentially prevent panic attacks, is speaking with a therapist.  Psychotherapy can help you to understand panic attacks and panic disorder and learn how to cope with them. A good therapist can help you to cope with panic attacks and work out other ways to deal with anxiety.

Dealing with panic attacks will not be an easy task, but with the right treatments and care, you can help reduce their severity and even frequency. There are people out there who can help you cope with the symptoms of anxiety and panic, such as loved ones, a medical professional, or a therapist. Self-care is also one of the biggest factors in allowing lifestyle changes to take place to help live with symptoms of panic attacks. Taking the right steps to overcome the challenges that come with panic attacks can help ensure that fear of social situations and other big life events will be eased.

Dr. June and her team are here to support you and assist you in your journey of dealing with panic attacks and other anxiety disorders. Our therapists in New York will help you to identify the panic attacks, gain insight, learn coping skills, and practice techniques to validate yourself. Call us free for 15 minutes, you deserve respect and the best quality of a relationship.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli

7 Simple Ways To Deal With Social Anxiety

7 Simple Ways To Deal With Social Anxiety

Posted on by junecao
body dysmorphic disorder

Do you find yourself dreading social events? Does the idea of seeing friends or meeting new people make you feel anxious? Try to avoid going on dates in fear of putting yourself out there? These may be signs of social anxiety. In this article, we will better understand and discuss simple ways to deal with social anxiety.

What is social anxiety or social phobia?

Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is also called social phobia. It can mean a number of things to different people. In general, it is the persistent fear of being watched or judged by others. This can seep into many areas of life, such as work, school, dates, events, and other day-to-day activities. Some people may mistake social anxiety disorder as shyness, however, social anxiety can really interfere with everyday life. 

Generalized form of social anxiety

When you have social anxiety, it can be extremely challenging to do many things. For instance, it is intimidating to go on a job interview, have a date, answer a question in class, or speak to a stranger in public spaces. Generally speaking, this fear comes from a place where you do not want to be judged or rejected in whatever you are saying or doing. Therefore, such fear can seriously hinder your progression and accomplishments. When you have social anxiety, you often feel that social situations are out of your control. That is why you may start fearing and avoiding events weeks before they happen.

Performance anxiety

Another manifestation of social phobia is performance anxiety. That is, you may feel anxious when having to perform on a stage, giving a speech, playing in a sports game, or any other activities that involve an audience. Performance anxiety is about the fear of speaking in front of  a group of people. In other words, it has less to do with meeting new people and socializing. 

In the 2010 film The King’s Speech, for example, Prince Albert ascending the throne as King George VI, suffered from performance anxiety. Together with a speech therapist, the King was able to overcome his anxieties and learn to speak with confidence. This film inspired many people to believe that there is cure to social anxiety. It is a one-step-at-a-time process and can be a long journey; however, there is always hope and ways to overcome obstacles that social phobia may cause.

Signs of social anxiety disorder

People with social anxiety disorder may not all have the same symptoms. It is important to know that one person’s anxiety will not be the same as someone else’s. That is, knowing your personal symptoms will help you overcome your own challenges. Overall, people with social anxiety tend to:

  • Feel nauseous before social encounters
  • Blush, sweat, or tremble
  • Avoid meeting new people
  • Fear being judged
  • Be awkward or self-conscious while speaking to others
  • Show stiff posture or avoid eye contact
  • Ruminate on a social situation once its over
  • Feel dizzy and lightheaded
  • Have blank mind

How to deal with social anxiety disorder?

Thankfully, more people are speaking about social anxiety and mental health in general. Therefore, it has become a little easier to understand and acknowledge when you suffer from social phobia. Recent statistics show that about nine percent of the American population experiences social anxiety. So it is important to know that you’re not alone. 

In order to deal with social anxiety, the first step is to recognize the signs and symptoms. Such awareness can help you to understand what you are dealing with and even accept yourself. The second step is to seek treatment. Typically, therapy, medication, and the combination of both the two could be treatment for social anxiety. Therapy can be an extremely effective way of dealing with social anxiety. Many people with social anxiety may decide to join support groups. They can be helpful in receiving advice from people who experience similar things as you. That could serve as a good reminder that you are not alone.

Besides psychotherapy and medication, other simples ways may be helpful to deal with social anxiety.

1. Use mindfulness meditation to manage social anxiety

Self-help practices can be an extremely useful tool, such as mindfulness breathing, relaxation, and meditation. The practice of mindfulness meditation involves learning to become aware of your emotions and thoughts without analyzing or reacting to them. That is, you pay attention to the present moment with interest, rather than judgment.You can practice mindfulness meditation daily. It can be as long as 20 to 40 minutes, or as mini-meditations of a few minutes throughout the day. 

Specifically, you can use curiosity training to get out of your heads and into the moment. When you interact with a stranger, the typical social anxiety could be focusing your attention on yourself, such as criticizing your performance or appearance, trying to guess what others are thinking of us, struggling to script out what to say.  Mindfulness helps you to earn to treat all those thoughts as background noise. In other words, you are aware of such noise, but not paying attention to it. Instead, you return your attention to taking interest in the situation, the person, and the conversation.

2. Exposure – Put yourself out there:

Exposure to feared situations could be an effective way. Exposure is where people face a feared social situation until their anxiety decreases or the anxiety-related expectancies are disrupted.  It can help you overcome fears of specific social and performance situations. Sometimes, it is best to put yourself in a situation that you find daunting in order to practice being in situations that you find uncomfortable.

Exposure for the fear of socializing can involve a hierarchy including these social situations and any others that cause you anxiety.Vividly imagining the feared situation, role-playing with the therapist and using technology can also deliver exposure. 

3. Seek help from others and a therapist

Asking for help is also extremely important when dealing with anxiety. Such help can be from a therapist, teacher, friend, parent, or anyone else you feel you trust and can speak openly to. If you find it too intimidating to talk to a friend or even your doctor, talking to a stranger online or through the help line could be the first step. Eventually, it could pave the way to share more with someone you know or a therapist. A psychotherapist will help you in a safe and confidential environment.

Know that you are not alone in the journey of dealing with your social anxiety. That is to say, the biggest fear people have is to speak in public; Also, social anxiety is the 3rd most common mental health disorder after depression and substance abuse. a psychotherapist 

4. Keep a social anxiety journal to manage negative thoughts

Keeping a journal has proved to be one of the most useful tools for anyone dealing with anxiety and anyone who wants to improve their mental health. Writing out your thoughts can be a way to organize them in a complete judgement-free space. It can also help improve thinking patterns and avoid getting back into older, more negative ones.

Identify automatic negative thoughts

When you have social anxiety, you could have some typical automatic negative thoughts in social settings, such as:

  • I could say something stupid / wrong.
  • They could make fun of me.
  • No one likes me or is interested in me. 
  • People will think I’m boring  or awkward.
  • What I have to say isn’t good enough. No one will be interested.
  • They can tell I’m anxious and will think I’m weirdo.
  • I may embarrass myself.

Reframe negative thoughts

It is essential to recognize and dispute negative automatic thoughts when you try to manage social anxiety.  You may be able to recognize your cognitive distortions and challenge them and other deeply-held beliefs. This way, you find evidence for and against your thoughts to make sure they are rational. With some help from your therapist, you can practice this skill on your own to reduce your social anxiety.

5. Set Goals to overcome social anxiety

Try and set goals for yourself, one step at a time. In order to achieve your goals to reduce social anxiety, the steps below may be helpful.

  • Improve awareness and understanding of your social phobia;
  • Recognize and reframe the automatic negative thoughts about yourself
  • Expose yourself in social situations to develop confidence, especially the ones you fear most
  • Practice positive affirmations to replace those defeated negative self-talk;
  • Improve your coping skills to deal with social anxiety

6. Manage perfectionism to reduce social anxiety

Indeed, perfectionism and social anxiety may go hand in hand with each other. That is, perfectionism may be making you socially anxious. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. In other words, accomplishing perfection is not the best goal. This is a great way to stop fearing judgement and criticism. (See our blog on perfectionism)

7. Say how you feel:

If you’re in a social situation that is making you uncomfortable or giving you any negative symptoms, tell someone. Don’t stay in a situation that you’re uncomfortable with in fear of judgment from others. It’s OK to say no.

Social anxiety has become increasingly common. Actually it is the number 3 mental health issues after depression and addiction. Our society is becoming more and more supportive. People with anxiety can speak about their difficulties freely. Although it still may seem daunting to speak about social anxiety, it is important to remember that many people want to help and support you. Whether you find therapy, support groups, or friends, the most helpful thing, there are always a number of ways to help deal with social anxiety.

Dr. June and her team are here to support you and assist you in your journey of dealing with gaslighting in a relationship. Our therapists in New York will help you to identify the gaslighting, gain insight, learn coping skills, and practice techniques to validate yourself. Call us free for 15 minutes, you deserve respect and the best quality of a relationships.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli 

Gaslighting In A Relationship: Signs And Tips To Manage

Gaslighting In A Relationship: Signs And Tips To Manage

Posted on by junecao
gaslighting in a relationship

At some point of our lives, we may all have experienced gaslighting in a relationship. That is, someone may manipulate or brainwash you to question your own reality. In fact, gaslighting can happen in any relationships, including romantic partners, family relationships, yes, such as parents, friendships, and at work.

What is Gaslighting?

Oftentimes, abuse may exist within relationships that can be difficult to catch with the eye. There are manipulation tactics that people use. Sadly that can really put people into a dark space. One of the ways that people tend to do this is through gaslighting. So what does gaslighting mean? It is simply manipulating someone to the point where you question your own sanity. It is brainwash, psychological abuse, and intentional manipulation.

Why is it called gaslighting? The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, where a husband attempts to drive his wife to insanity by dimming the lights in the house, and denying it when his wife points it out. This comes from his desire for power or control, which clearly exists in many abusive relationships. Gaslighting can even affect your perception, reality, or memories. All these apparently can cause severe damage to anyone. 

How to Detect a Gaslighter in a relationship?

Based the National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are different techniques a gaslighter can use to manipulate you, 

Countering: This is what a gaslighter uses to question your memories, such as,

  • “I never said that. You have a memory problem.”
  • “You are just making it up”
  • “You know you don’t remember things.”

Withholding: refusing to engage in a conversation, or pretending not to understand you so that they don’t have to respond to you. Examples are

  • “You know you don’t make sense”
  • “I don’t even know what you are talking about”
  • “You are confusing me”

Trivializing: when a gaslighter belittles or disregards your feelings. for example,

  • “What’s the big deal?”
  • “You are just exaggerating.”
  • “You are overreacting”.

Denial: pretending to forget events or how they occurred. For instance,

  • “You are just making that up”,
  • “That never happened”,
  • “I was just joking”.

Diverting: when a gaslighter changes the focus of a discussion and questions your credibility instead, such as,

  • “You are too sensitive”,
  • “You are just paranoid”,
  • “That sounds crazy. You need to check your brain.”

Stereotyping: using negative stereotypes about a person’s age, gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, or nationality in order to manipulate them. For example,

  • “You women are always so dramatic”,
  • “Of course you millennials are selfish and not grateful.”

Types of Gaslighting

There are many instances where a romantic or sexual partner will use these tactics to gain control over their partner. As a matter of fact, this is a form of very serious abuse. These tactics can make someone feel isolated, scared, undermine their confidence, and so many more degrading emotions. Another type of relationship where gaslighting exists is through parent-child relationships. Abusive parents or caregivers may use gaslighting in order to control or shame children. They may belittle a child’s emotions or feelings, which can cause the child to feel serious isolation and shame. This will ultimately play into adulthood, where depression, anxiety, and other negative emotions can take over a person’s life. 

Other types of environments to spot gaslighting includes

  • medical gaslighting where doctors or medical professionals may dismiss a patient’s medical concerns on the basis that the patient is mentally ill,
  • racial gaslighting when people use gaslighting  techniques based on race or ethnicity,
  • political gaslighting when a political figure can manipulate information in order to control people, and
  • institutional gaslighting where gaslighting may occur in a company or organization.

These methods of gaslighting are all extremely damaging and harmful to people. It is interesting to note that gaslighting is not limited to one person, that is, its effects can reach a large number of people.

Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

gaslighting in a relationship

 How do you know someone is gaslighting you? A list of signs of gaslighting may help you to detect whether you are the victim. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you may be experiencing gaslighting if you:

  • Second-guess yourself and question yourself, “Maybe it is me”, “Guess I am wrong”
  • Ask yourself,“Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day
  • Often feel confused or crazy, “Am I crazy?” 
  • Constantly apologizing to your partner. 
  • Making excuses for your partner’s behavior or actions, “They did that not to control, but just to help me.”
  • Become withdrawn or unsociable
  • Find yourself holding information from loved ones so that you don’t have to explain or make excuses
  • Knowing something is terribly wrong, even though you cannot pinpoint it or express it
  • Lying in order to avoid reality twists
  • Having trouble making simple decisions. 
  • Sensing that you used to be a different person- more relaxed, or happier
  • Feeling hopeless or joyless
  • Constantly doubting yourself and your worth, “I am not good enough.”

These are all extremely difficult things to deal with, even when experiencing just a single sign. It is important to detect these signs within yourself, or within others, in order to get the right help needed.

The Dangers of Gaslighting

Gaslighting may not seem as serious when it happens, especially because it can be implicit in such hidden ways; however, it can really change the course of your life. A person who is trying to gaslight you will, more often than not, try to do it in the least obvious way possible. By doing so, they try to avoid opposition or even outside involvement. It is very common to ask, or hear the question, “if they’re being abused, why don’t they just leave?” In fact, understanding the complex effects of gaslighting will help to understand people who face domestic abuse. Without a doubt, it can be extremely heartbreaking and frustrating to see your loved ones being the victim of gaslighting, especially when helping them may not be so simple. 

From Love-Bombing to Gaslighting

One of the biggest techniques a gaslighter may use, oftentimes a male partner, will be to seem romantic or even love-bombing. Of course they will initially hide their gaslighting. They will convince you that it is through love and romanticism that they are treating you this way. Blaming you for their own actions will further increase this manipulation and abuse, to the point where you may truly  put all blame on yourself. All of these points are reasons why gaslighting can be so dangerous for many different people. In other words, it is a form of manipulation which can cause serious damage, and be hard to detect. Overall, it is important to remember that any abuse you face, or a loved one faces, is only the abuser’s fault.

Gaslighting Causes Damage to Mental Health

In addition, gaslighting has terrible long-term consequences. In particular, if you are the victim of gaslighting, it destroys your self-esteem and confidence. Over time, you could become conditioned to doubt yourself,  feel helplessness, unable to make decisions, presenting memory problems, having PTSD, depression, and anxiety. More importantly, even if eventually the relationship ends, these damage to mental health may persist for a long time. 

How to Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship

It can be extremely difficult to experience gaslighting, and there is no set answer to help to solve it. Yet there are a number of ways that you can deal with gaslighting, or to help a loved one who is experiencing it. This process involves mindfulness, a powerful tool to clear and protect your mind.

Awareness of Gaslighting

The first step is to identify the problem of gaslighting and manipulation. This awareness can be a difficult task within itself because it involves calm and clear thinking.  If it helps, writing your conversations down in a journal may help to organize your thoughts objectively. Check how you felt in the process of all these conversations. Look at whether there are any patterns of repeated denial of your feelings from the other party.

Accept your Feelings

Second, allow yourself to accept all your feelings and feel them. Acknowledge that there is a good reason to feel how you feel, and it is ok to feel this way.  If it helps, keep track of your feelings and understand what triggers different emotions. By doing so, not only can you accept your feelings, but you can take actions to practice effective strategies to shift your moods and focus on rational thinking.

Organize your Thoughts

Once you are able to stay calm, it is high time to organize your thoughts and figure things out. Ask yourself a bunch of questions: 

  • How do I feel in this relationship?
  • Am I falling into the explanation trap?
  • Do I still have myself in this relationship?
  • What do I lose and what do I gain if I walk away from this toxic relationship?
  • Do I need a safety plan? What is it?

Once you have your clear answers, may be it is time to take actions. Meanwhile, if you feel the need to be more thorough, you can take a few other helpful steps.

Talk to Someone you Trust

Talk to your trusted friends or family. Ask them what they see in you that is different; Share with them your feelings; and Discuss with them your thoughts and plans. What is more important is to get their support you need to take actions. Chances are they may be able to help you with a clear vision, safety plan, understanding laws, and different strategies to achieve your goals.

Practice Self-Love and Self-Compassion.

When someone blames you, manipulates you, and even abuses you, it is very difficult to still have faith in yourself. That is to say, the best company of gaslighting is usually self-doubt and low self-esteem. However, part of the healing process involves practice of self-love and repeated self-compassion. This is to improve your confidence to believe in yourself again and make the decision for your own best interest. 

Seek Therapy

Therapy can also be an incredible resource to speak about the toxicity and gaslighting you may be facing. As well, it is effective to get professional help so that you can figure out goals and a safety plan with your therapist. Psychotherapy provides a safe environment to disclose, discuss, and probably implement the plan. Besides, therapy helps you to heal as well as to better yourself with great insight about yourself and your relationships. There is always hope when dealing with gaslighting, Again, it is extremely important to remember that the blame only exists on the abuser’s fault.

Dr. June and her team are here to support you and assist you in your journey of dealing with gaslighting in a relationship. Our therapists in New York will help you to identify the gaslighting, gain insight, learn coping skills, and practice techniques to validate yourself. Call us free for 15 minutes, you deserve respect and the best quality of a relationship.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli

From Body Shaming To Eating Disorders从减肥到进食障碍

From Body Shaming To Eating Disorders从减肥到进食障碍

Posted on by junecao

A4腰、马甲线、筷子腿、锁骨放硬币、反手摸肚脐。社交媒体贩卖的女性身材焦虑（body shaming or weight shaming），真是花样翻新，无所不用其极。结果呢？更多年轻女孩子患上进食障碍（Eating Disorders or Disordered Eating）。

“要么瘦，要么死”（Thin or die）。无论是在现实还是网络，减肥（weight loss）、变瘦已经成为了对女性的一种诅咒和畸形审美。

女性容易有身材焦虑。当美女不过百成为体重的标准，当穿童装衣服还怕显胖，当“少女感”和“白瘦幼”已经是对成年女性的审美要求，哪个女人敢不瘦成一道闪电？所以身材丰满、壮硕的女性就相当于是自绝于人民，跟懒惰、不自律，不努力、不合格划了等号。

进食障碍（Eating Disorders）

进食障碍(Eating Disorders or Disordered Eating)，又名饮食失调，是以不正常饮食习惯或异常进食行为为主的精神心理障碍。进食障碍缘起于患者希望重新获得控制感（Control），他们通过严格控制饮食，看到自己体重下降的过程中，产生强烈的成就感，并享受这个过程中高于他人的控制感。然而这种努力的结果，最终又导致新一轮失去控制。

eating disorder

进食障碍特别是对于十几岁、二十岁出头的女性来说，更容易成为毁灭性灾难。进食障碍分这样几种：


  1. 神经性厌食症（Anorexia Nervosa）

坚持不懈地追求苗条，对自身体像认识歪曲，极度害怕肥胖，限制食物摄入，导致体重显著下降。神经性厌食症患者一般会严格限制食物摄入，即使神经厌食症患者体重偏低，他们还是对体重增加或发胖有强烈的恐惧感。

她们即使瘦得皮包骨头，也已经无法接受食物，无法正常进食，精神上对食物有反感，甚至厌恶。厌食症常伴随抑郁症、焦虑症一起出现。不仅使病人遭受生理和精神上的折磨，严重时甚至可能有生命危险。


  1. 神经性贪食症（Bulimia Nervosa）

神经性贪食症患者可能反复暴饮暴食，即在相对较短的时间里吃大量食物。之后 又为了试图控制体重抵消暴饮暴食而有以下行为: 催吐、绝食、过度运动或不当使用泻药、毒品或药物。

这些行为通常很隐蔽，而且神经性贪食症患者会费尽周折不让别人知道他们的饮食与运动习惯。许多神经性贪食症患者体重忽高忽低，但并不能减肥; 他们可能保持正常体重，或体重稍微偏低，或者甚至可能体重增加。

长期高强度、高频率的恶性催吐，食道和胃壁容易被胃液灼伤。而且即使一开始催吐需要用手指抠，时间长了后，肠胃产生自觉反应，吃进去的食物，肠胃自己会送出来。同时，催吐带来的胃部强酸极易腐蚀牙齿，使牙齿损坏脱落。

  1. 暴食症（Binge Eating Disorder）

患者会反复暴饮暴食，即在较短的时间里吃大量食物，并会快速进食，比如经常点外卖独自一人吃很多份。在这种暴饮 暴食的过程中，他们感觉对饮食失去了控制，即使想要停下来，可能也无法做到。

患有暴饮暴食症者往往对他们在暴饮暴食过程中所吃的食物量和饮食方式有负罪感或耻辱感。在沮丧，焦虑和完美主义的感觉中挣扎，但一般不会催吐。

Ta们会长期与抑郁、自责、焦虑、自我反感等困难情绪作伴，而这些情绪又往往促使Ta们需要用食物来调节控制情绪。这样周而复始，就形成了一个难以打破的恶性循环。同时，Ta们很多也患有抑郁症或焦虑症。

进食障碍的成因(Causes Of Eating Disorders)

进食障碍的原因，除了前面提到的对自己身体的扭曲认知外（body image issue），还有其他方面的一些原因。

1. 情绪性进食（Emotional Eating or Stress Eating）

情绪性进食是指通过食物来满足情感需要的行为。确实，食物不只用于饥饿或补充营养，当我们压力大、有情绪的时候，吃东西往往能帮助缓解压力、抒发情绪和安慰自我。特别是一些高热量的垃圾食品，更可能暂时缓解紧张、空虚、寂寞等多种情绪状况。无论是暴饮暴食还是厌食，通常是因为无法表达情绪，所以通过过度进食发泄情绪，或者极度控制饮食来表达情绪。

2. 创伤（Trauma）

一些重大事件发生后，比如身体伤害、灾难或是关系冲突都有可能成为创伤性事件，给我们带来内心极度痛苦。创伤有可能包括战争、自然灾害、亲人去世、性侵害、身体虐待、语言情感虐待、霸凌等。

面对创伤发生后，一些人于是用进食障碍来应对所造成的心理伤害，这也包括应对创伤后应激症（PTSD，运用食物来缓解或逃离紧张、焦虑、抑郁等痛苦情绪。而一些受过性侵害的人，也容易通过节食、催吐、暴食来表达对自己身体的厌恶、羞耻、愤怒甚至变相毁灭。

3. 家庭问题（Family Issues）

家庭内部出现的一些问题也容易造成进食障碍，比如父母偏心、过度保护、过度严格、批评式教育、完美主义等。孩子往往希望竭力满足父母的过高期待。当孩子发现这些努力仍然徒劳，就可能会选择更容易控制的方法，比如控制饮食、保持完美身材，于是会出现过度节食甚至进食障碍。另外，其他家庭问题也与进食障碍有很大关联，比如酒精依赖、物质成瘾、婚姻冲突、家庭暴力和离婚等。

4. 人格特质（Personal Challenges）

一些人格特质，比如完美主义、自卑、低自尊、过度自我批评等，也更容易患进食障碍。这些人往往无法接受自我的任何瑕疵，所以对身材严格挑剔，会对 ”腿粗、拜拜肉、腰不够细、体重略微增加“等无法容忍，因此更容易采取极端的节食或是引吐行为来维持身材。

如何治疗饮食障碍？Treat Eating Disorders

weight loss eating disorder

1. 解决深层的情感和根源问题（Understand Root Cause of Disordered Eating）

很多人的暴饮暴食与过去的一些经历有关，无论是创伤、痛苦，还是灾难，与那段经历握手言和，原谅当时的自己，接受并悦纳自己，都是康复的重要前提。

2. 心理治疗（Psychotherapy for Eating Disorders）

心理治疗运用多种方法可以帮助有进食障碍的人。具体包括：

  • 认知行为疗法（Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – CBT）
  • 辩证行为疗法（Dialectic Behavioral Therapy – DBT）
  • 接受和承诺疗法（Acceptance Commitment Therapy – ACT）
  • 家庭治疗（Family Therapy）
  • 正念疗法（Mindfulness-Based Therapy）

其中，CBT主要帮助认识并改变他们的不良适应态度并教个人识别并挑战负面因素；DBT认为情绪放松是进食障碍的核心问题。它教人们新的技能来调节负面情绪，并克服进食障碍的相关行为。

  • 旨在识别导致饮食失调的思维模式和信仰。
  • 运用认知模型解释患者歪曲的、适应不良的思维，认为患者对事件的负性评价影响了患者的情绪和行为。
  • 通过改变患者的内在认知来重塑行为策略，达到治疗的效果。

3. 自我疗愈（Healing for Disordered Eating）

最重要的是认真地正视自己。媒体对女性狭隘的、带有轻蔑性的表述，使得越来越多的年轻女孩陷入危机，如饮食失调症、自残、忧郁症等。当女性更好的接受自我，拒绝被物化，认识到自己的价值不由青春、美貌和性感。树立目标，可以很好的做到

  • 消除暴饮暴食模式
  • 养成良好的饮食习惯
  • 消除暴食症的根本原因
  • 通过写日记记录自己的生活
  • 探索应对压力状况的健康方法

许多进食障碍患者不愿承认患病，由于病耻感(shame)不敢寻求帮助，每个人都会生病，这并不羞耻。身为女性，我们相互支持鼓励，用自己和社会的力量不断强大自我。

如果你有进食方面的困扰，我们纽约的咨询师团队会用专业的方法帮助你。我们有15分钟的免费电话服务，让我们帮你一起面对进食挑战！

Special thanks to the contribution of psychology intern, Danielle Chen

Understand and Overcome Perfectionism

Understand and Overcome Perfectionism

Posted on by junecao
how to overcome perfectionism

Do you find yourself criticizing yourself often? You only feel happy when you can complete a task perfectly? Ever feel what you do is never enough? Do you have to have total control over your personal and professional relationships? If your answer is yes to most of these questions, you may very well be dealing with perfectionism.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is about the desire to achieve perfection, or refuse to accept any flaws. As much as it helps you to achieve your goals, it could be painful and shameful, especially because it often leads to self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. In fact, we all know someone who may be a perfectionist. Obviously they have impeccable grades, double check everything they work on, and will feel terrible if they could not compete a task in its best form. These all might sound like great qualities, but only if they are about healthy achievement and growth. 

The toxicity with perfectionism is not the desire for success, rather it is the avoidance of failure. Instead of being on a positive track, this type of thinking causes a negative orientation. In other words, fear takes over more than anything else. In reality, people who seek perfection rather than achievement actually end up being less productive. There is often a cloud of self-doubt and hesitation that comes with fear of making mistakes. Obviously this can be seriously harmful for your mental health as well as for achievements and success.

Signs Of Being A Perfectionist

Since the traits of being a perfectionist are quite common, it is important to distinguish being a high achiever from perfectionism. Identifying these traits can be useful to help motivate changing your mindset, environment, and drive towards success. Once you make that distinction, it will become easier to formulate a plan to adjust your mindset so that you are your happiest.

What a Perfectionist Looks Like

Typically a perfectionist always goes above and beyond the call of duty, and executes things to an nth degree. As a perfectionist, you obsess and overthink, dwell and stew on any tasks you work on. Also, there is nothing between 0 and 100 , that is, either you get it perfectly, or else is failure, including 99.

In general, these are some of the common traits a perfectionist exhibits: perfectionist

  • Being pushed by fear
  • Critical of oneself
  • Unrealistic standards
  • Procrastination
  • Low self-esteem
  • Depressed from unmet goals
  • Controlling in personal relationships

These factors can sometimes be seemingly positive. Although they can lead to persistence and diligence, they can cause a toxic mindset, and ultimately feelings of depression and anxiety. Being able to bring these traits into control is important to ensure a positive and well-oriented path to achieving your goals!

What a High Achiever Looks Like

Unlike a perfectionist, a high achiever can be satisfied with doing an excellent job despite of small mistakes or lessons. They are much less critical of themselves and of others than are a perfectionist. That is, they can accept the flawed self and make peace with themselves. In addition, a high achiever is able to bounce back fairly easily from disappointment, instead of beating themselves up, Overall, a high achiever is less likely to be fear driven to achieve their goals. 

What Causes Perfectionism?

Generally speaking, many different factors contribute to perfectionism. The overarching and most common facet is having unhealthy motivations and habits, especially when you try to achieve goals or avoid failures. It may also be more prevalent if you have had a bad experience of receiving criticism or “failing” a test or task. Wanting to avoid failure is not inherently negative; however, it is important to know that mistakes are okay and unavoidable in life. In addition, having low self-esteem can be one factor in wanting to achieve perfection. Self-critical people, on the other hand, may also avoid criticism from others.

Trying to deal with perfectionism becomes a harder task when you feel unable to speak to someone. When you’re reluctant to share your thoughts and feelings, it can feel a bit hopeless to try and change your mindset. It is hard to reveal your vulnerability to begin with, let alone the fear you might say the wrong thing or be seen as imperfect. By speaking to family members, friends, or a therapist, you can help to remind yourself that you are enough, and the job that you’re doing is enough. Especially when talking to people who are close to you and care for you, it can be an easier process to attain those positive reminders.

Dangers of Perfectionism

Some of the traits of being a perfectionist are seemingly positive things, such as being detail-oriented and having high standards. Although these ideas are facets of perfectionism, the real toxic aspects go deeper. For example, one may think that by caring about details and being scared of failure would lead to accomplishing many goals, and in a timely manner.

In reality, the focusing and obsession of details can lead to extreme procrastination. This can cause negative thoughts and feelings. When you focus on not failing, rather than accomplishing, you may want to avoid meeting a deadline. This is particularly the case when you feel that the task needs more efforts to achieve perfection. Instead of accomplishing things on a to-do list, a perfectionist will be more likely to delay the completion of a task in fear of imperfection. 

There is also the danger of focusing so much on the perfection of a task. As a result, the journey is no longer enjoyable. You may forget the beauty of working process towards a goal when you only focus on the perfect accomplishment. These habits can lead to countless feelings of self-doubt, which can really control your life. Overall, having some of these traits do not have to be negative, as long as they are healthy and in moderation.

Tips to Overcome Perfectionism

It can be difficult to try and find the best solutions when anxiety or negative thoughts come with perfectionism. Also, the best solutions work for others may not be ones that work for you. In fact, they should be well customized to what fits your needs. Here are some tips for dealing with perfectionism:

  • Set realistic standards for yourself.
  • Reward yourself for accomplishments, even when you feel they may be imperfect.
  • Remind yourself that people may not be paying as much attention to the details within your work, and are less likely to identify flaws.
  • Set strict time limits on your tasks.
  • Learn to cope and accept criticism.
  • Speak to people about how you feel, and remind yourself that you are 

We are Here to Help

Trying to overcome perfectionism can be a challenging process, but it can be achieved through using the right resources and adjusting your mindset in the way that works best for you. Speaking to a therapist can really help this process, especially because it leaves room in your schedule to really relieve everything building up in your mind. The most important thing to remember is that what you are doing is enough, and it can be helpful to repeat that as much as you need to!

If you are struggling with perfectionism and related anxiety, our psychotherapists in New York are here to help you. Give us a call free for 15 minutes. The therapists in our team will assist you in this journey of overcoming your perfectionism.

Special thanks to the contribution of our intern Tammy Krikheli

Asian Women Support Each Other

Asian Women Support Each Other

Posted on by junecao
asian women group

Asian Women Support Group: Women Help Women

  • How doe it feel to be an Asian woman in American society?
  • Have you ever struggled because of your race, ethnicity, gender, and cultural identity?
  • How do you handle work and personal life at the same time?
  • How do you feel safe and comfortable in relationships?

We are going to create a fantastic group to discuss all these issues that concern you. Let’s get together and support each other!

  • 作为一个亚裔女性是一种怎样的体验？
  • 你是否曾经因为自己的种族或者性别在工作场合遭受歧视或不公？
  • 工作和生活之间如何获得平衡？
  • 你是否在亲密关系中感到安全和舒适？

我们将主持一个亚裔女性支持性小组。让我们的声音被听见。彼此支持，相互倾听。聊一聊生活中面临的机遇和挑战！期待你的参与！

Session Content

Session 1: Intro, As an Asian Woman in the States

How does our racial identity shape who we are?

Discrimination & Microaggressions

Session 2: Women in Working Places

Session 3: Multiple Roles We play Vs Self-image

Session 4: Emotions

How do negative emotions make positive impact on us?

Cope with stress and anger

Session 5: Eating and Body Positivity

Session 6: Self-compassion

What’s self-compassion?

Create your inner coping strategies

Session 7: Relationships with Original Family

Attachment & differentiation

Session 8: Relationships

What’s love? (Triangle theory of love)

Define intimacy

Session 9: Identify what makes romantic relationships succeed

Session 10: Boundaries in Relationships

Session 11: Communication in intimate relationships

Session 12: Inner Child

A letter to your inner child

Session 13: Create our own by discussion

亚洲女性支持小组：Women Help Women

Session 1： 介绍，在美国社会作为一个亚裔女性是一种怎样的体验？

我们的种族文化背景如何塑造了我们？

我们所经历过的歧视

Session 2：职场压力

Session 3： 我们扮演的多种角色 Vs 自我形象

Session 4：认识我们的情绪

负面情绪的积极作用

Session 5：饮食和外貌焦虑

Session 6 : 自我关怀

什么是自我关怀？

创建我们自己的自我关怀清单

Session 7 : 原生家庭

童年经历如何塑造了我们的依恋类型

Session 8: 亲密关系

爱是什么？

定义亲密

Session 9 : 亲密关系成功的因素

Session 10：亲密关系中的边界

Session 11： 沟通在亲密关系中的作用

Session 12 : 你的内在小孩

给你的内在小孩的一封信

Session 13 ：和小组成员共同制定

Asian Women Support Group: Girls Help Girls

Population: English speaking, women under 30

Session 1: Intro, As an Asian Woman in the States

How does our racial identity shape who we are?

Discrimination & Microaggressions

Session 2: Gender Bias

Sexuality Vs Gender

Session 3: Multiple Roles We play Vs Self-image

Session 4: Emotions

How do negative emotions make positive impact on us?

Cope with stress and anger

Session 5: Eating and Body Positivity

Session 6: Self-compassion

What’s self-compassion?

Create your inner coping strategies

Session 7: Relationships with Original Family

Attachment & differentiation

Session 8: Relationships

What’s love? (Triangle theory of love)

Define intimacy

Session 9: Identify what makes romantic relationships succeed

Session 10: Boundaries in Relationships

Session 11: Communication in intimate relationships

Session 12: Inner Child

A letter to your inner child

Session 13: Create our own by discussion

亚洲女性支持小组：Girls Help Girls （妹妹组）

适用人群：中文，年龄30以下

Session 1： 介绍，在美国社会作为一个亚裔女性是一种怎样的体验？

-我们的种族文化背景如何塑造了我们？

-我们所经历过的歧视

Session 2：性别偏见

Session 3： 我们扮演的多种角色 Vs 自我形象

Session 4：认识我们的情绪

-负面情绪的积极作用

Session 5：饮食和外貌焦虑

Session 6 : 自我关怀

-什么是自我关怀？

-创建我们自己的自我关怀清单

Session 7 : 原生家庭

-童年经历如何塑造了我们的依恋类型

Session 8: 亲密关系

-爱是什么？

-定义亲密

Session 9 : 亲密关系成功的因素

Session 10：亲密关系中的边界

Session 11： 沟通在亲密关系中的作用

Session 12 : 你的内在小孩

-给你的内在小孩的一封信

Session 13 ：和小组成员共同制定

The Best Ways To Overcome Procrastination

The Best Ways To Overcome Procrastination

Posted on by junecao

Do you find yourself putting off day-to-day tasks? How often do you avoid doing the work that’s on your to-do list? Do you find yourself rushing before a deadline when you had days, or even weeks, to complete a task? You may be procrastinating and you are not alone. Procrastination is the thief of time and it steals from so many people. Simply look at the long line in any post office on the tax day, . 

Signs of Procrastination

What does procrastination mean? How do yo know you have procrastination? Below are typical signs:

  • Filling your day with low-priority tasks
  • Delaying important tasks on your to-do list
  • Beginning a task right before the due-date, when you had a lot of time in advance
  • Starting a task and immediately taking a break
  • Prioritizing tasks that seem “fun” instead of ones with high importance or close due dates
  • Waiting for the right mood to begin your to-do list
  • Shuffling your to-do list based on what you’ve accomplished by the end of the day

What is Procrastination?

Procrastination is the active process of choosing to delay tasks, especially while knowing that you will suffer as a result. Procrastination seems like a common thing people deal with every day, but it’s something that can interfere heavily with having a highly functional life. Putting off your tasks can result in having a heavy plate of duties and responsibilities piled up, and that can cause anybody a lot of anxiety, and even depressive thoughts. 

The core of procrastination

One of the main habits for people who procrastinate is having a long to-do list, checking off one or two items by the end of the day, and then shuffling it around as to move incomplete things to another day. In response to this, some people may say that it does not matter when the task gets done, as long as it gets done. But psychological researchers find a big issue with this, that is, they believe that if you shuffle tasks around based on what you did accomplish, it can cause real lack of progress. This is at the core of procrastination.

What does research say about procrastination?

In a study, researchers rated college students on procrastination and tracked their academic performance and general health. They found that initially, the students who procrastinated had lower levels of stress, since they swapped or put off tasks and assignments for more amusing activities. But in the end, they found that those same students performed worse academically, and reported higher levels of stress and illness. 

In the moment, procrastination may seem like the best answer to our solutions and a way for us to delay tasks that we don’t want to do in the moment. In the long term, doing this can result in even higher levels of stress than initially doing the tasks would have caused.

What Causes Procrastination?

The causes of procrastination could be related to many factors.

  • Perfectionism. 
  • Lack of motivation
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of criticism or negative feedback
  • Self-defeat tendency
  • Abstract or poorly defined goals
  • Rewards but in the far future
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • ADHD
  • Low self-esteem
  • Task aversion

To better manage procrastination, you need to learn why you procrastinate and how it affects you. Understanding the psychology of procrastination helps you to improve awareness of deeper issues rather than simply say improve your self-control. Many psychologists have found that procrastination has less to do with time management. Rather, it is about delaying a task while knowing the consequences of doing so. It can definitely help to use time in your schedule wisely to accomplish your tasks or assignments; however, a large focus should also be on managing emotions. This way, you can ensure that you are doing the things that work best for you. 

How to Overcome Procrastination?

Everyone has their own list of things that motivates them and allows them to be productive. therefore, you should make sure that what you’re doing works best for you specifically, even though they may not work for someone else. For one person, listening to music while trying to write an essay can be extremely helpful and allows them to focus. For others, complete silence may be the best way to tune into a single task. Try to experiment with new things every now and then to see what works best, and don’t get discouraged if one doesn’t work!procrastination

These are tips you can try for if you want to stop procrastination:

Making prioritized to-do lists.

Actually the to-do list is a to-do today list. It is preferable to make sure the most important tasks are done first. 

Creating an organized and effective personalized schedule

Create a schedule for what works best for you. In other words, have a spreadsheet of daily activity schedule,.The schedule should focus on specific tasks on each day. Better yet, highlight those you have accomplished for reward later.

Start with a small step.

When you start with a small step, it is easier for yourself to get over the initial hurdle of actually getting started. It is more likely to feel accomplished and more motivated to continue the rest of the task.

Don’t be afraid of imperfection 

Many people avoid or delay tasks when they either doubt their abilities or want to achieve perfection. It is important to understand that perfection actually does not exist in this world. To stop perfectionism, one way is to face the worst case scenario and figure out your solution; another is to adjust your standards to be more realistic; still other ways include self-talk strategies to 

Try to improve decision-making skills

You will likely put off a task if you cannot decide what to do, in fear of making the wrong decision. 

Commit to a task

When you leave too much time for a task, it is very likely that you will be distracted and procrastinate; By the same token, leaving too little time has similar effects, that is, too much stress to complete a task could lead to procrastination as well. Therefore, leave the right amount of time for a task. This way, when you start, you can finish it in a timely manner.

Split large tasks into smaller ones.

Large and difficult tasks could cause avoidance because it literarily suggests you should get it all done in one shot. Apparently that  is impossible, and hence stressful. When you can break the bigger tasks up, it helps to decrease that aversion. More specifically, each task should take no more than 60 minutes to complete.

Set up a reward.

Positive reinforcement helps with motivation. Once you finish a task, you can have your favorite ice cream or go out with friends.

Give yourself immediate consequences of procrastination.

Late consequences do not usually motivate people enough; however, it could be very different when you set immediate consequences. It becomes the earlier deadline and for example, the consequences could be your partner keep all your money to themselves if you do not finish your paper on that day.  

Have a procrastination buddy

You and a friend can support and check-up on each other to make sure you’re being productive! When you hold each other accountable, chances are you do not want to procrastinate and look bad in front of your friend.

How Can Therapy Help to Manage Procrastination?

Finding ways to stop procrastination can be an exhausting and challenging process, especially when you do it alone. Having a therapist can help you leave time in your week to talk about your personal challenges, such as doing your tasks. Better yet, you can even dedicate time to figure out a plan that works best for you. 

Taking care of your mental health can also be a big factor in the way you deal with prioritizing responsibilities. In particular, talking to a therapist can help you to figure out not only what works best for you but what allows you to be the most productive. In addition, therapy can help you to improve thinking patterns, adjust your mindset, and release emotions. More importantly, therapy can assist you to change procrastination and the way you prioritize the tasks in your schedule. 

If you are a student, finding counseling or wellness services in your school or on campus can also be beneficial for providing support. Besides, they can point you to other important resources. For others, there are different groups, support, buddy programs, and counseling services that can assist you to achieve your goal of reducing procrastination.

We Are Here to Help

If you find yourself procrastinating, plus, it has been interfering with your productivity and mental health, we are always here to help. Our procrastination specialists in New York provide therapy and counseling to ensure that you have the support you need. Our psychotherapists can offer psychological services in different languages, such as Chinese Mandarin, Cantonese, Korean, and English. At the same time, we have a wealth of experience to deal with various challenges.  

For international students, we adopt the most favorable policy to help you declare insurance and alleviate your worries. Give us a call, the first 15 minutes are free or make an appointment for online counseling . Please let us help you through the difficulties together and welcome a more promising tomorrow.

Special thanks to the contribution of our intern Tammy Krikheli