English Archives - Page 2 of 5 - Junhong Cao, Ph.D. (Dr. June)

How To Move On From An Ex

Posted on June 23, 2022June 15, 2023 by Victoria

Are you going through a breakup or end of a relationship?
Do you want to move on from an ex and get on with the rest of your life?
Ever wonder how to get over an ex you still love?

Love can truly be amazing! Relationships can bring out the best in each partner and can be a wonderful experience. However, when relationships turn sour, it can be very stressful to deal with. Some problems can resolve, and the couple will strengthen their bond, while others can be fatal to the union. Now your relationship turned into a breakup, and you’re wondering how to move on from an ex! This article will help you find ways to cope with your breakup and make peace with your situation in order to move on.

Should I Move On From An Ex Or Should I Wait?

Take yourself back to the time you were in the relationship. How do you think the relationship was overall? When is it time to break up? Your relationship may have been toxic. You and your partner fought all the time, had trust issues, jealousy problems, etc. The honeymoon phases soon turned into a nightmare sequence, and it felt like a battle every day for you two to get along or not fight.

On the other hand, you may actually look back with fondness on your relationship. Not all people break up because the relationship was toxic – sometimes you may love the person, but it just doesn’t work out. These situations can sometimes feel harder to get over. When you leave a toxic situation you mostly feel relieved and happy you don’t have to deal with the unhealthy relationship anymore. But what if the situation wasn’t unhealthy? What if you both cared for one another, but life got in the way of your plans?

What are the signs you should move on?

Your partner has moved on and started a new relationship;
You have been trying to get them back for a long time and it didn’t work;
Your partner has been distant and does not want to communicate with you;
You are only remembering the good times and choosing to ignore the reason why you broke up;
Being in a relationship seems to be your goal, rather than being in a healthy relationship with the right person.

Moving-on May Take Some Time

Any journey you take has its own timeline to follow. Healing can take time, and you may not be over your ex for longer than you’d like – and that is okay! You need to give yourself time to move on from your ex and let go of the relationship you once had. Each relationship contains its own dreams and ideals that went into it – you may have thought you were going to marry or start a life with your past partner.

With this being said, you might need time to grieve the loss of the relationship you once believed in.

How To Move On From An Ex?

1. Allow Yourself Time To Grieve

As mentioned before, grieving may need to occur for you to move on from an ex. In times of major loss in life, Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross says that people go through 5 stages of grief. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may be able to relate to some or all of these stages of grieving your relationship.

You may have:

Denial over the relationship ending, your partner leaving, or the fact that you are not going to get back together.
Anger over unresolved issues or lack of closure. Your partner might have broken your trust or let you down, and you feel upset about this betrayal. You may feel like your partner gave up and didn’t fight as hard as you – this all makes you mad!
Tried bargaining – you try to convince your ex you should get back together or pray to a higher power to help your relationship find its way to healing.
Depression over the sadness that comes with a breakup. Breaking up can be emotionally and physically draining. You may stay up night because you keep crying. You now are losing sleep and feeling sad/ fatigued constantly.

2. Accept That the Breakup Happened

The final stage of grief is acceptance. After you g through the motions of the grieving process, you will eventually find your way to accepting of what has happened. As mentioned before, this process may take time so don’t beat yourself up if you struggle or fall back into old habits or stages.

When you finally can accept the breakup and that you shouldn’t get back together, moving on will happen more easily.

3. Identify the Main Issues

The relationship you may have had some wonderful times. You and your partner may have made many great memories together. However, don’t be fully blinded by the good times – there has to be some reason that you and your partner didn’t work out. Check out our other article about what makes a healthy relationship – if your relationship was not like anything mentioned in the article, it is better that you both split.

Identify these issues. If you have to, write them down in a list or journal to remember them. Remembering the reasons why you ultimately didn’t work out with this person can help you see that this relationship was not meant to be and move on.

4. Detach, Disconnect, and Detox

When in doubt, follow the DDD method. First, detach from this person. It can be challenging to move on from someone you constantly are with or see. In this case, put space between the two of you and distance yourselves – this space will give you time to remember and get back to how life was like without this person. This detachment can take place literally and/or a virtually – aka unfollowing or muting the person’s accounts.

There are sometimes when it is hard to get space from someone, even after a breakup. This problem can be due to having the same friend group or even having to co-parent children you share. In these scenarios, try your best to set healthy boundaries between you and this person to disconnect.

Detoxing this person from your life means getting rid of the things that may remind you of them. You may be a sentimental person who likes to hold on to things that have meaning. If you can do so in a healthy way, that is great! However, other people may struggle to do the same. A t-shirt or promise ring may make them feel sad every time they look at the object. In these cases, detox the stuff from your life. Give your ex back their things, donate the stuff to charity, or just throw it out! Do what feels right for you!

5. Lean on Support

In times when we struggle, it is important to lean on our support systems. If you are struggling with learning how to move on from an ex, go to the people around you who love you. Ask them for advice and if you can vent any worries, frustrations, or concerns to them. You never need to suffer alone, and you deserve to be comforted in difficult times!

6. Take Time To Focus on Yourself and Heal

Many times, especially in all-consuming relationships, people can lose who they once were. After a breakup, the person may not even recognize themselves or remember who they really are. Get back in touch with your inner, truest self. Start doing things you like again, following your passions, and enjoying your company. Take time to see who you are and even explore new parts of you that you didn’t even realize were there!

The era after a breakup is a great time to work on bettering yourself. Practice self-care and prioritize your needs. Be patient with yourself and have self-compassion in times when you stumble or mess up (we all might do silly things after a breakup). Many times after a breakup, someone’s self-esteem lessened. Work on building yourself back up – remind yourself of how great you are and what you deserve in life!

Also, take time to look back on the relationship and see what you can learn from it all. Identify what changes you can make moving forward or how you want your future relationships to go. When you feel ready, try opening yourself up to dating again and seeing what else is out there. Keep in mind, you don’t need to date again until you are fully ready to do so – in the meantime focus on prioritizing your healing journey.

7. Talk to a Therapist or Counselor

If you are struggling to move on from an ex, it is okay to reach out for support! Talking to a therapist can help you with any symptoms of depression or anxiety you are feeling over the split. A therapist can help you talk about your emotions with someone who understands and wants to help you, learn to cope with stressors, and start feeling like yourself again. Also, if you need help restoring your self-esteem, a therapist can help you gain back confidence back into your life. Call to set up a consultation today!

Tips for Young People to Overcome Burnout

Posted on April 4, 2022March 6, 2023 by junecao

Burnout effects are hitting young people extremely hard. We live in a society that promotes things like “hustle-culture” and the constant need to be productive. When taking a break or time for yourself, you start to worry about everything you are not doing and could be accomplishing. You look online and see all of your past classmates or new coworkers posting about all of their accomplishments. Social media is part of the stress that causes burnout. Research shows that social media can have a hand in promoting job burnout in people. It feels like you can never escape the pressures of working harder and harder – work-life balance seems unattainable at this point!

Do you relate to these ideas or worries? Are you a young person who wants to learn how to cope with and lessen burnout in your life? If so, keep reading!

What is Burnout and Burnout Effects?

The 5 Stages of Burnout

There are 5 known stages of burnout. According to and based on research, the stages are:

1. Honeymoon Phase

Have you ever entered a relationship with someone and felt like you were in a bit of a “love bubble?” People usually call this the honeymoon stage of a relationship – a time when you have excitement for the relationship and everything seems almost “perfect.” The same can happen in a new job.

When starting a new job, everything may seem good at first – the co-workers are friendly, the boss is pretty accommodating, and the work appears manageable. The more you stick around; your rose-colored glasses become more transparent. You may start noticing things you dislike about the job, work stacking up, or under-appreciation beginning to form. These things may have been there all along, but you didn’t due to all of your new excitement.

2. Stress Onset

The honeymoon phase feeling is disappearing in this stage and is now replaced with tons of stress. You start feeling more and more over-worked and unhappy. Due to the influx of work, you may not be sleeping. Lack of sleep starts affecting you at work by making you feel listless. It becomes hard to focus, and you may begin to forget things more and more. The burnout effects are slowly creeping in!

3. Chronic stress

In this stage, your stress starts consuming you more and more. You feel like things are getting harder to manage and stay afloat with. This stage of burnout effects can really begin to affect your physical and mental health negatively. Your emotions may feel more EXTREME. You are not just tired; you’re exhausted. You are not just annoyed about the work; you are angry!

Your life outside of work can begin to take a toll. You have no energy to socialize like once before because you feel drained. It’s a catch-22: Your state of being starts affects your work negatively, and your work negatively affects your state of being. All of this feels horrible!

Lack of appreciation or respect at work can make you feel not good enough or unworthy. You wonder if all this work is worth it?

4. Burnout

In this stage, the burnout effects truly infiltrates your life and becomes severe. The weight of all the work stressors feels like they’re crushing you. You may start feeling hopeless, horrible about yourself, void of self-esteem, and unmotivated to even get out of bed.

People start becoming used to burnout and may feel like they are stuck in this vicious cycle.

5. Habitual Burnout

This stage is the fifth stage of burnout – it focuses on the long-term effects of burnout that follow you each day. Burnout becomes your state of being and your “new “normal.“In this stage, the harm of burnout becomes more apparent, and the person may need to look for support to help them.

Negative Burnout Effects for Young People’s Mental Health

Burnout Effects vs. Depression vs. Anxiety

As mentioned before, people who feel the burnout effects start feeling really down about themselves and life. Burnout causes stress that can become chronic and ever-present in someone’s days. The overload of work causes intense pressure – the person is either stressing about getting the work done or stressing that they couldn’t complete their tasks.

When they are running behind on work, the worker feels terrible about themselves. They feel inadequate and like they are not good enough to work their job. Also, the lack of appreciation from their bosses or co-workers can cause them to feel like their hard work and efforts are seemingly pointless. The burnout effects make life harder and harder!

Research shows that burnout, depression, and anxiety are separate but “share common characteristics, and they probably develop in tandem.”

Depression Symptoms:

Feeling sad, lonely, helpless, and hopeless
Feeling empty and unfulfilled
Having bad sleeping habits – you find that you sleep too much or not enough
Weight loss or weight gain – you appetite is being affected
Not enjoying you passions or interests anymore
Irritability and agitation
Struggles with concentrating, remembering, or decision making
Feelings of fatigue
Experiences of guilt or worthlessness
Thoughts surrounding suicide or death

Anxiety Symptoms:

Constant and excessive worry
Worrying is apparent in more days than not
Worries have been consistent for the past 6 months
It is hard for you to control your worrying
Physical symptoms such as restlessness, tiredness, irritability, muscle tension, trouble concentrating, or trouble sleeping
The worries are negatively impacting multiple parts of your life: like at school, work, in your social life, etc.

Burnout Symptoms:

Feelings of under-appreciation fill your mind
Lack of or no motivation
Listlessness
Finding it hard to focus and pay attention
Dealing with constant stress and worries surrounding work and life
No work-life balance
Limited socialization
Hopelessness and indifference in life
Lack of sleep and feelings of exhaustion
Irritability, anger, and frustration especially when at work

Young People and Burnout

People can experience burnout for many different reasons throughout their young adulthood. People in their early twenties face pressure graduating college, trying to find a job, and keeping up with their social/dating life.

Romantic relationships take work, and there are stressors that couples can face together. If you are in a relationship and you don’t feel securely connected to this person, you may fear that cheating will take place or trust will be broken. Arguing a lot or communicating poorly can cause a lot of stress in couples. Also, ideas of the future, plans for what is to come, and other people’s projected opinions can cause couples to feel burnout

How to Overcome Burnout for Young People

How to Reduce Burnout as College Students

1. Work Smarter

If you feel burnout from your schoolwork, try to create healthy work/study habits. These habits can help you feel more organized and prepared for homework and test you have. Some suggestions can be:

Keeping a calendar of all the due dates you have coming up
Buying a planner and organizer to be more prepared and pay attention to details
Setting time aside to study each day. By studying a little each day, it can prevent from the need to cram before a test
Finding what study/work method works for you: if you are someone who visually learns, try watching videos to prepare or draw out diagrams. If you are more of an auditory learner, try listening to the audiobooks of your textbooks or assigned reading

2. Ask for Help

Don’t be afraid to go to your teacher or professor for help. There is no shame in asking for guidance, clarification, or even an extension. If you feel uncomfortable going to them in person, try emailing them or speaking to them after school. If you are a college student, try to go to your professor’s office hours and schedule an appointment to see them.

Tutoring is also a valuable option for you if you need more help. Tutors are people who took the class already and have the knowledge to share with you any tips and tricks they may have. Signing up for tutoring helps you ask questions to someone you may feel more comfortable speaking to rather than a teacher or professor.

3. Lean on Other Students

All the other students in your class are probably experiencing similar or the same stress you are when it comes to school. Try to lean on each other for support and go to each other when you need help. Organizing study groups is a great way to socialize and get your work done and learn.

4. Talk to a Counselor

If you feel like the stress of school is getting to you, try to speak to a counselor at school or on campus. There should be a guidance counselor there to help you with any problems you may have with school at school. Also, many colleges have mental health professionals on campus that can help you feel about specific issues if you are on a college campus.

5. Realize That You Are Worth More Than Your Grades

You need to realize that you are worth more than a grade on a test or paper. Your mental health is more important than your schoolwork, even if that is hard to believe. Students get so consumed with their work and feel like it means everything in their life. You are worth so much more than a grade on a paper – it doesn’t define you!

How to Cope with Burnout as Young Professionals

1. Realize That You are More Than Your Job

It can be challenging to find a job, especially since the pandemic. The stress of finding a job can be challenging to deal with. You may go through multiple rounds of interviews and feel stressed out from these experiences; only you did not receive the job. Logging on to websites, writing cover letter after cover letter, applying for jobs, getting ghosted, or being rejected is hurtful and stressful. Remember to keep your head up and know that your hard work in getting a job matters. Even if no one else can see how hard you’re working, you deserve to be proud of your efforts. You are more than your job description or title!

2. Follow Your Own Time-Line

Your life is going at its own pace and path. Remember that you are special, and no one else can be you. If you see people around you getting married or having kids, don’t worry! If you want these things, it will happen in its own time for you. You can live your life any way you want! Even if you don’t want kids, I want to be single and travel the world; that is okay! Do what makes you feel happy and fulfilled!

How to Reduce Burnout for Young Couples

Communication Skills

One of the most significant issues we face in life and relationships is communication issues. Think of how many times you were watching a movie, and the entire problem of the episode is centered around a miscommunication or misunderstanding.

As a couple, try your best to work on good communication skills. Some ways to do so are, to be honest with each other and validate each other’s feelings. Allow yourself to listen to your partner’s concerns and let them know that you hear what they are saying and appreciate them opening up to you.

If the situation starts getting heavy and you both start getting heated, it is okay to take some time apart to think about things and recharge. We can say many things that we possibly don’t even mean in the heat of the moment.

Try Couples Counseling

If a problem is consistently causing you and your partner stress, counseling might be able to help you! Going to a therapist can help you and your partner have your needs met, have your voice heard, and have the opinion of a third party on your situation. A therapist can help you communicate better and find ways to strengthen your relationship. In couples counseling, you can deal with some of the stressors you may be facing.

General Burnout Coping Tips

Do activities that help you de-stress
- Mindfulness practices: meditation, mindful walks, mindful eating
- Yoga and stretching
- Use Essential oils to relax
- Practice self-care
- Spend time in nature or with animals
Make an effort to maintain work-life balance
- Don’t look at your work emails over the weekend
- Take time to engage in something you like doing after work like a hobby or watching your favorite show
- Prioritize seeing your loved ones, going out, date nights, etc.
- Don’t be afraid to say no and stop people-pleasing at work: i.e. “I’m sorry, but I can’t take on that extra task right now in my schedule..”
Take care of your body
- Make sure you are sleeping enough, filling your body with nutritious food, drinking plenty of water
Build self-esteem
- If you don’t feel appreciated at work, remind yourself how proud you are of all your efforts! Motivate yourself and remind yourself how important and worthy you are
- Practice positive affirmations: i.e. I am worthy, I am strong…
Lean on support
- Look to people who make you feel happy and lift your spirits! You deserve to be reminded of how great you are by the people who care about and know you the best!
Consider Therapy
- A therapist can help you manage your stress better and live a happier/healthier life. Therapy can give you the tools to handle work-stress better, implement mindfulness techniques, build self-esteem, improve your relationships, and foster more hope about life!

How to Deal with Pandemic Stress During Omicron

Posted on February 4, 2022March 6, 2023 by Victoria

We are in the second year of this pandemic. Can you believe that it has been two years since COVID took over our lives and the world? This may be a difficult time for you and you may be experiencing pandemic stress – please know that you are not alone. Recent studies show that 47% of people reported feeling stressed amongst other difficult emotions.

We are living through a worldwide pandemic – who would have ever thought this would have happened? Sometimes, it feels like we are living in a chapter of a history textbook. The positive side of that perspective is that, just like we have read in history textbooks, different generations of people survived challenging times and eventually moved ahead to a new chapter. The world’s future is unknown for now; we need to take things day by day. This, however, doesn’t invalidate any of the stress you may be feeling. This article can help you deal with this stress and hopefully make you feel a little bit safer in these challenging times.

What the Pandemic Has Done to the World:

Unfortunately, it may be hard to remember a time before COVID. It has affected so many parts of our day and has changed how we live our lives. It can be jarring when you look back at old pictures and see how you used to live. There may be many times when you look back on a photo and think to yourself, “I can’t believe I wasn’t wearing a mask!” We are now very accustomed to wearing masks and keeping our distance from people.

Let’s Explore Some of the Other Ways the Pandemic Has Affected This World:

Distanced Us from Other People and Increased Isolation

The phrase “six feet apart” has infiltrated our lives. You may see this phrase on signs, placemats on the floor, or instructions. The distance you may feel is not only shown in this measurement; it is also evident in our lives in many different ways. The pandemic might have distanced you from the people you love.

You may not see your friends or family often in fear of getting sick. You may be fearful that you will expose your older relatives and, for example, haven’t seen your grandma in over a year. COVID has promoted significant isolation in people. People report feeling lonely and scared during these times. Especially with remote work and school, it is hard to meet people nowadays. Kids who go to school online may feel isolated from their friends and find it hard to make connections.

If you work remotely, you may have never even met your co-workers! It is all very isolating and makes it hard for us as social beings to navigate this world.

Created a Division in Our Society

This world feels divided in so many ways already, and the pandemic has only made it worse. You may know people who have strong beliefs on how to handle the pandemic – you either disagree or agree with them. People’s differing beliefs and actions during this pandemic have caused strife amongst us. You may have a friend that doesn’t believe in wearing a mask or getting vaccinated, and you may think the complete opposite. These vast differences cause people to argue, lose touch, and could even ruin their relationship altogether. In a study from 2021, 88% of Americans reported feeling like their nation was divided, even more than before the pandemic.

Made us Fear Doing Mundane Tasks

It’s crazy to think that we could go to the store or go to the movies without even a second thought a few years ago. Now to do such mundane tasks, there is a lingering thought of, “Will I get sick when I go out?”

People are fearful when doing things that would have seemed so simple before 2020. Some people have become afraid of leaving their house because even the slightest task may make them fearful of getting sick. Agoraphobia might occur in people with this constant stress. These people fear that something terrible will happen to them when they are not in the comfort and security of their own homes.

Prevented Us From Living Our Lives

People who enjoy concerts, festivals, or packed events might feel like they cannot safely do that anymore. If you consider yourself adventurous, you might struggle a lot during this pandemic. Concerts have been delayed or canceled, traveling seems impossible, and you may fear going to crowded spaces because of COVID. Many people, especially teens or people in their early twenties, fear that they are wasting their “golden years.” It can be hard to feel like you aren’t missing out on important milestones when this pandemic is taking over.

Cause Immeasurable Loss in Our Lives

The pandemic may have created loss in your life in many ways. People have become unemployed from the pandemic and have been laid off. So many places like hospitals and schools are understaffed. This causes people who work at these understaffed places to take on an increased workload and face immense stress. This stress can cause burnout and people to question if they can even do their job anymore. It feels like they have to choose between making a living or ensuring their wellbeing.

The pandemic may have also taken loved ones from you. COVID may have affected your loved ones and caused them to pass away. This loss may be challenging for you to deal with and makes you extremely upset during these times. Even if COVID has not taken a close loved one from you, it has likely affected so many people you know.

Ways to Deal with Pandemic Stress

First, Check-in With Yourself Daily

It can be hard to navigate immense pandemic stress and challenging times. Make sure that you check in with yourself and see how you feel each day. Some days, you may feel more hopeful and happy in life, and there may be other times when you feel discouraged and sad.

Know that your emotions are valid, and you should embrace them instead of ignoring them. Try journaling about how you feel and making a note of which days are harder than others. When you have a bad day, you can look back on the days that you were happy and find hope that you will feel this way again.

Second, Do Things That Make You Happy

If you check in with yourself and feel upset, try to do something that’ll make you happy. Think about what you enjoy doing. You may enjoy watching a particular show or movie. There may be an album that always brings a smile to your face or gives you a sense of calmness. A hobby can be a great way to release your thoughts and immerse yourself in a creative project.

Another way you can make yourself happy and avoid pandemic stress is by reaching out to people. Social support and finding someone that you can rely on is a healthy way to deal with stress during the pain.

Third, Lean on social support

As mentioned in the prior section, social support is critical during this time. In an age where people feel very isolated and alone, it is essential to rely on people you can trust. You may be fearful of seeing others and feel more comfortable at home, but this does not have to prevent you from socializing. Try implementing Zoom or FaceTime calls with people. You can text your friends and send each other fun videos or pictures.

There are also apps where you can meet people and make new connections. Another way to do so is by joining a new club or class. If you don’t want to go in person, many organizations meet online and do virtual meetings.

Fourth, Turn to Mindfulness in Times of Stress

Mindfulness helps people find peace when experiencing pandemic stress or anxiety. You can practice mindfulness by:

Doing a guided meditation video
Practicing yoga or stretching
Completing a breathing exercise
Taking part in a guided imagery exercise

Mindfulness can also be practiced through accepting your situation. Living through COVID is not ideal and can be very difficult. However, learning to accept these times and this period of your life can help you find peace. Once you feel calmer, you can focus on ways to improve your situation.

Fifth, Encourage Yourself to Get Through Pandemic Stress

Remember: You have survived 100% of your worst days! Remember this when you feel down. Even in the worst moments of your life, you have been able to push through and be where you are today. You have resilience and strength living in you! Try to remind yourself that these times will pass, and you will feel hope and optimism once more.

Ways to Encourage Yourself:

Recite positive affirmations; positive affirmations can help you feel good about yourself and life. These affirmations are ways to attract things you want in your life and promote positivity inside of you.
- You can say: I am…calm, safe, happy with the connections I have in my life, going towards the right direction, facing my fears, etc.
Get inspired by people from the past: you can encourage yourself by thinking about the past generations. There have been many periods in history that were hard for people to deal with, for example, the Great Depression. You may have grandparents or great-grandparents that lived through this time. This was a time when people were very sad and absent of hope. Seeing people get through these challenging times can motivate you to do the same.
- If you are fortunate enough to have some of these relatives alive still, go to them for advice or guidance
- Remember that we are resilient, and humans can adapt to way more than you think. Rely on strength from your ancestors, and remember that they are rooting you on!

Sixty, Don’t Do Things that Make You Uncomfortable

There have been many ups and downs during this pandemic. When there is a surge in cases, you may feel even more stress than usual. This can cause you to avoid going out to crowded places or doing certain activities. Check-in with yourself, as mentioned before, and see how you are feeling. If you feel like you don’t feel safe and a specific plan would cause you anxiety, don’t feel obligated to do it. If someone is peer pressuring you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, that is not okay! Listen to your intuition and honor your comfort level. Your boundaries matter, and you deserve to feel safe! If you decide to go out, try to be safe by wearing your mask and keeping your distance.

Seventh, Consider Going to Therapy for Pandemic Stress

Unfortunately, many people are experiencing depression and pandemic stress during these years. You do not deserve to struggle alone! A therapist can help you get through these times, provide support, and guide you in finding hope once again. Our team of therapists would love to help you! Our team will help you with depression, anxiety, self-esteem, and any other problems you may be facing.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

Posted on February 2, 2022March 6, 2023 by Victoria

What makes a healthy relationship?
How do couples stay strong after years and years?
Are you looking for advice on making your relationship last?

If you can relate to any of these questions, this article is for you! When you are in the honeymoon phase, it feels like nothing could ever go wrong. You are so enamored by the other person that the idea of problems arising makes you shrug your shoulders. As time passes, couples go through many experiences together – many of them are good, and unfortunately, a handful of them might be bad. The strength of a relationship is tested when these low periods arise. You hope that you and your partner can make it through these rocky waters together. In America, divorce rates are at 50% – this statistic makes couples worry about their future together.

Don’t fear! If you are going through a tough time in your relationship currently, you deserve support! You may be wondering, “What makes a healthy relationship?” or, “How do I achieve longevity/happiness long-term? Before we answer these questions, let’s look at the reasons why you and your partner may be struggling.

Why You May Be Struggling in Your Relationship

1. There is No Trust

Trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. If you cannot trust your partner, it is common to feel a sense of dread when they are not with you or don’t answer your text right away. Another partner may have cheated on you, and you fear that the same will happen in this relationship – you may have this fear even though there are no signs of distrust so far. One of the partners may lack self-esteem and feel like they can lose their significant other at any moment. Finally, and most unfortunate, someone may have strayed in the relationship, which broke the trust entirely.

No matter the reasoning, this lack of trust will cause a break in your foundation. If you cannot trust your partner, it will cause many arguments, disagreements, and stress in your life.

2. Communication is Non-Existent or Terrible

Along with trust, healthy communication is essential in a relationship. Communication is important for many reasons. Here are some of the reasons that communication is necessary to have between you and your partner:

Communication is essential when disagreements arise
- As much as you may feel in sync with your partner/compatible, there will be times when issues will arise. To have a healthy relationship, you must be able to sit down with your partner and discuss these situations without yelling, blowing up, throwing things, or having it all escalate. If you cannot do this, it will be hard to resolve or compromise. This is how problems prolong themselves and survive without a solution in a relationship.
Communication is important in your physical relationship with your partner
- An unhappy sex life is a significant reason people face problems in their relationship and break up or cheat. It is important to communicate with your partner about what you want and need in a relationship. Communication is also essential when it comes to consent. You deserve to be with a partner that makes you feel comfortable enough to say when you are not in the mood, uncomfortable, or want to stop. Consent can be given or taken back at any moment. You and your partner should communicate about consent each time you have sex.
Communication is essential when planning for/talking about your future
- To be on the same page, you both have to communicate what you want out of your relationship. You may imagine a long-term relationship with your partner that involves buying a house, getting married, and having kids one day. On the other hand, your partner may feel totally different! They might not see this relationship as long-term and don’t desire to have kids or move in together. These conversations need to be discussed together, or it will cause confusion/disappointment.

3. You Have Grown Apart from Each Other

It is lovely to hear stories about high school or college sweethearts. Finding someone you love while you’re young and growing up together is an amazing experience. Many people can grow together and navigate the tides of life easily. However, other people find it hard to keep the spark alive. They may have met when they were younger and developed/grew into different people. Hopefully, when you are a grown adult, you won’t think the same way you did when you were a teen. People change their ideas, beliefs, ideologies, and perspectives on the world as they grow older, especially in their twenties. This may have caused division between you and your partner. You don’t recognize each other anymore, and the good times seem to be just in the memories you have together.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

It is essential to build up your communication and trust. As mentioned before, trust and communication are vital in a relationship. To have a healthy relationship, you must work on building these skills. There are a couple of ways to do so, but here are a few tips below:

1. Identify the Ways You Prefer to Communicate

Sometimes, it can be challenging to talk with your significant other because you have different conflict and resolution habits. For example, you may want to isolate yourself when you are upset after an argument, but your partner instead wants to talk right away. Sit down with your partner and discuss your communication preferences and what should happen when you both argue. Maybe you want to establish certain boundaries (i.e., specific topics need to be dealt with more care than others or particular topics are off-limits). Another example is that someone doesn’t like cursing/yelling when trying to communicate.

2. Establish Boundaries in Your Relationship That Are Concrete

People often face difficulties in their relationships because the boundaries are unknown/ignored. What someone considers cheating may not be deemed cheating by someone else. For example, some think that liking other people’s pictures on social media or watching explicit videos/content is cheating. Their partner might not view this the same way.

Talk about boundaries with your partner. Discuss what makes you feel comfortable or is a deal-breaker to you. After establishing these boundaries, if a partner crosses them, that’s a clear issue. This is also helpful for people who have polyamorous or open relationships. A polyamorous or open relationship can vary in many ways. For example, in your open relationships, you may have decided some rules with your partner. You both can be physical with other people but not pursue a romantic connection with anyone else. Figure out and establish what you and your partner are comfortable with.

3. Tell Your Partner What You Need to Feel Safe in a Relationship

If you struggle with trust, let your partner know what would make you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship. Sometimes, just an extra text when going out or an update throughout the day can make a partner feel more secure. It’s all about what works for you and your partner and how you guys can compromise in different situations.

4. Continue Having Fun With Each Other

Another reason people break up or stray away from each other is because their relationship feels stagnant. There was a time when you and your partner always went out to dinner and did exciting things together. Now, you guys don’t leave the house or have any date nights.

This can be common when couples have kids or other significant things in life to focus on daily. With everything going on in your life, it is still essential to tend to your relationship. Engaging in date nights/fun moments keeps the excitement alive in your relationship. You and your partner can still feel excitement by doing new things, taking new classes, trying new restaurants, or even practicing new hobbies with each other. Keep creating memories to prevent yourself from falling into the same, repetitive routine.

5. Explore Each Other’s Love Language

As mentioned before, you and your partner may differ in how you communicate or express yourself. A lot of times, opposite types of people attract. You both compliment and bring out the best in each other. However, this also means that you guys may possess very different ways of showing love and affection. Be sure to figure out your and your partner’s love language. The options can vary from:

Physical touch
Quality time
Gift giving
Words of affirmation
Acts of service

Find ways to show appreciation to your partner through their love language. For example, if your partner has gift-giving as their top love language, pick up flowers when you leave the grocery store or make them a special card. If their love language is physical touch, make sure to hug them when you say goodbye or put your hands on their shoulder when you are supporting them. You can find many different and special ways to show love to your partner that will translate to them as fulfilling.

6. Listen to Your Partner

This article has stressed the importance of communication in a relationship. Just as important as communicating with your partner is, listening to them is just as important. Listening to your partner means being open to what they say, remembering important details of their lives, and letting them know that you validate their emotions and feelings. You may not always agree with your partner, but make sure that they know that their opinion matters and you support their ability to express themselves. You might disagree on doing certain things, but it may lead to a quicker compromise if you identify and try understanding their POV.

Listening to your partner is also handy for the holidays or anniversaries. Listening to what they say lets you get them something that’ll make them feel like you pay attention to details and what they say. It will also be easier for you when stressing over what to get them as a gift.

7. See a Couples Counselor to Learn What Makes a Healthy Relationship

Couples counseling can be a great way to establish a healthy relationship with someone. Having a therapist talk to you about your problems may help you and your partner navigate troubled waters together. A therapist can listen to you both and give you a third-party opinion on the situations that present themselves.

A counselor can also help you identify if the relationship is beyond repair. Many couples can make it through their struggles, learn to communicate better, and love each other more deeply. Unfortunately, other couples may need to realize that their relationship is fading away, and they should separate healthily.

Chinese international students support group留学生心理健康互助小组

Posted on August 31, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

Chinese International Students Support Group中国留学生互助小组

Are you a Chinese international student?
Attempting to adjust to the U.S. culture, school life, identity, and anxiety with speaking English?
Facing challenges with student life and relationships?
Feeling lonely, homesick, difficult separating from family and friends in China?
Stressed about academic performance?
Overwhelmed because of perfectionism, procrastination, and social anxiety?
Concerned about anti-Asian hate, microaggression, sexism, racism, or discrimination?
Guilty about taking a break to relax because you “should have” been studying?
Worried about speaking in public, going on job interviews, or asking someone for a date?
Uneasy about F1 student visa, CPT, OPT, H1B, lottery, and green card?
Other mental health and self-care issues?

If your answer is “YES” to any or all of the above questions, then you are a very good fit for our International Students Support Group!

How can the International Students Support Group Help me? 留学生互助小组可以帮我什么？

Chinese International Students Support Group is a place where

it is safe and comfortable for you to share, bond, support, and help each other;
you can learn practical tools to deal with different challenges during your time in the U.S.
everyone can participate in group activities to practice social skills, be in a team, form group dynamics, and help each other to succeed;
you will reach your goals for exploration, understanding, insight, self-discovery, growth, compassion, and change you hope to happen;

It is proved that Chinese international students who have participated in our Support Group have felt

more confident,
less lonely,
fit in the group,
more connected with others,
better able to use practical tools to manage stress,
more mindful and relaxed in everyday life, and
empowered to deal with the challenges of every day life as an international student.

What is Discussed in the Chinese International Support Group留学生互助小组讨论的内容

Adjustment to the new country;
Stress management;
Homesickness and ways to better cope with it;
Anxiety, negative thinking, and tools to reduce it;
Mindfulness and meditation;
Emotion regulation skills for wise mind;
Body image, eating, and self-care;
Dealing with anti-Asian hate, sexism, racism, discrimination, and microaggression;
Better preparation for exams, presentations, and interviews;
Procrastination and skills for time management;
Tools to manage perfectionism;
Balance between student life, personal and social life;
Managing stress with visa and green card;
Friendships and boundary setting;
Relationships, breakups, and dating; and
Sex, sexual identities, and empowerment.

Group Facilitators小组主持人

Our group facilitators are mental health counselors with a master’s degree. The supervisor is Dr. June, our head psychologist. Our facilitators are warm, understanding, compassionate, professional, and knowledgeable. We implement evidence-based therapy approaches such as CBT, DBT, ACT, and Mindfulness to better assist you to achieve your inner-peace, compassion and growth.

Registration for Chinese International Students Support Group如何参加留学生支持小组

FEE: we will file claims for you based on your insurance

STARTING: September 14, 2021
DAY: Weekly meetings
TIME: Every Thursday

PLACE: Online via Zoom

Individual Psychotherapy Services为留学生提供中文心理咨询

If you are looking for starting therapy or counseling on an 1:1 basis, visit our website for more information on how therapy works, our therapists‘ profiles, or contact us directly.

How To Deal With Sunday Scaries, The Anxiety Of Another Work Week

Posted on July 16, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

What is Sunday Scaries

Sunday Scaries, also called Sunday blues, Sunday depression, Sunday anxiety, or Sunday night syndrome. It is the dread that shows up at some point on Sunday when you realize another workweek will start in hours. You could feel nervous, restless, uneasy, irritable, or even have physical symptoms of stomach issues, headache, heart pounding, and insomnia. This anticipatory anxiety may build up to make you feel miserable for the rest of the weekend. Per recent Monster polling, about 67% experience the Sunday Scaries each week.

From the psychological perspective, Sunday Scaries is the type of anxiety or stress that people react or respond to the threat they perceive. The perceived threat could be the fear of performance at work during the workweek, supervisors’ evaluation, challenges of juggling all tasks with work and life, such as doctors’ appointments, childcare while at work, all the bills, clients’ comments, relationship with a coworker, or decision to return to office. In this process, we face all uncertainties that are anxiety provoking and easily lead to “what-ifs”, such as “what if my supervisor thinks I am an idiot”, “what if I lose my job”, “how can I handle if we don’t have medical insurance any more?”

Obviously, when we focus on uncertainties, we tend to underestimate our capabilities to cope with all the stress. Hence, the overwhelming pressure and helplessness could further exacerbate the fear and anxiety. That is to say, Sunday Scaries makes us feel uncomfortable, but we can manage it well by changing our thinking and behaviors.

The Pandemic Worsens Sunday Scaries

The pandemic has worsened the Sunday Scaries. With a record number of people working from home, our work and life has blended together. Despite more flexibility we may have, work could easily take our personal space. Prior to the pandemic, what we used to do on a weekday are happy hours, lunch out, or other socialization. Now our weekday routine is about work, Zoom meetings, child care, and mere human interaction. Weekends feel almost like boring rituals of another day, no outing, no gathering, and not much enjoyment. That is, the workdays actually become longer.

Besides, many remote workers have admitted that they work on weekends, too. Let’s face it, the re-opening and returning to office process has brought some level of stress and anxiety to employees as well. Research has also suggested increased substance use during the pandemic, or more people probably need extra time to get over their hangover on Sunday.

How to Cope with Sunday Scaries

1. Clear your Mind

As mentioned before, if Sunday Scaries stems from perceived threat, then you can learn to manage this anxiety better by changing such perceptions. This involves taking steps to actively clear your mind first. This requires you to ask yourself some questions, such as,

What is your Sunday Scaries all about?
The core of your fears?
What do you worry about the most?
The worst case scenario?
What are your solutions when worst comes worst?

It is also essential to try to accept that things can go wrong and there is no certainty in life. However, if you were able to manage it in the past, you can cope now too. Clearing your mind could also mean focusing on your capabilities of handling work and life. It is a great idea to remind yourself of your leverage, experiences, skills, and achievements. Focusing on your strengths can help your transition from weekend to weekday a little easier.

2. Set the Relaxing Tone for the Weekend

Make conscious decision that your weekend is to relax, your goal is to be compassionate with yourself and take good care of yourself. Self-care is not just a buzzword, it is a decision to prioritize yourself and have your needs met. Everything else can wait, that is, work can wait, you don’t have to check emails or answer work phone calls. You may find something helps you to relax more than others. It can be a bubble bath, a nice meal, a book, music, arts, gardening, swimming, a walk, or any exercise.

3. Set aside a “Worry Time”

Those negative anxious thoughts on Sunday are likely to come up automatically. Therefore, creating a “worry time” of 15 minutes could help you to handle those worries directly. For example, if your “worry time” is 7:30pm, spend this entire time thinking only about your worries and negative thoughts. Write them down in your journal. At the end of 15 minutes, let go of those worries with some Calming Breaths, then return to other activities.

If you start to worry before your “worry time”, tell yourself you will wait till your regular time to focus on all the worries. This way, you dwell on your worst fears and you go over them repeatedly. Chances are, when you review the same material in detail again and again, eventually this kind of exposure reduces the meaning attached to your worries.

4. Create a To-Do-List

If you have too much on your plate and that triggers your Sunday Scaries, it is a good idea to take some time on Friday night to plan your weekend and the coming week. Write down what you hope to accomplish over the weekend and your priorities for next week. This way, you are being proactive about the week to come. The benefits of planning, making to-do-lists, and thinking about the future will reduce your stress.

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about the process of focusing non-judgmental awareness thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When the fears and anxiety attack you on Sunday afternoon, practicing mindfulness helps you to shift attention from worries to the present moment. You can also practice mindfulness at any time. When you walk outside, cook, eat, clean, take a shower, take a test, or work out.

Simply put, mindfulness is like “meditation on-the-go.” When you remain mindful, you live from moment to moment, instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Even if you have uncomfortable thoughts, you do not have to react upon them. By accepting their existence and letting them pass, you can develop a new response to fear and anxiety. With practice, mindfulness meditation can help you to create inner peace and less anxiety.

6. Seek Support

You don’t have to deal with the Sunday Scaries alone. Check in with family, friends, and loved ones. Vent to them, laugh with them, cry on their shoulders, or simply sit there together and do nothing. Find a support group for people with similar experiences. Maybe you can make friends and help support one another. The sense of community can empower you to cope with your Sunday Scaries better.

7. Get Therapy

Therapy could help you to get to the core of your underlying issues. On the surface level, Sunday Scaries is some uneasiness, a good therapist can help you to dig out why it happened, what the deeper issues are, how to change it. Seeking professional help is always a great way to better your mind, deal with your emotions better, respond to stressors in a calmer way, and let go of the baggage in order to heal. Besides, therapy helps you to change your thoughts and use healthier ways of thinking.

Dr. June and her team are therapists to help you to manage your anxiety about work, life, relationship, and health. Give us a call free for 15 minutes and we will help you to practice skills to deal with your Sunday Scaries.

9 Tips To Stop A Panic Attack

Posted on June 26, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

Do you find yourself having panic or anxiety attacks often? Is it difficult to ask for help or speak to anyone about panic attacks? Do you avoid social situations in fear that you will have a panic attack in public? Please continue to read to learn how to stop a panic attack before it happens.

What is a panic attack?

You may hear the term “panic attack” often. People may use it lightly as an exaggeration when speaking about being nervous. But what does a panic attack feel like? How do you tell when someone is having a panic attack?

A panic attack is an unexpected and intense wave of fear. It can lead to severe physical reactions. When panic attack occurs, your heart pounds, you can not breathe. You may feel like you are going crazy, losing control, or even dying. In fact, there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. Panic attacks may come about without a trigger and can happen at any time. For example, when you are driving a car, during a meeting, or you may even have a panic attack in sleep.

Panic attack vs. heart attack

Panic attack and heart attack share similar symptoms. Actually some people believe they are having a heart attack and go to ER multiple times.

There are many different variations that come with panic attacks. Specifically, how long does a panic attack last, or how severe it feels. Generally speaking, it will peak at a few minutes and will make the person feel fatigued once it subsides.

Difference between Panic attack and Panic disorder

Many people with anxiety report having panic attacks. Actually like many people, you may have just one or two panic attacks in your lifetime. The problem could go away when stress ends. However, there is another condition, panic disorder. What is the difference between panic attack and panic disorder? If you have had panic attacks multiple times and spent long periods in constant fear of another attack, you may have panic disorder. Approximately 2-3% of Americans experience panic disorder in a given year, according to the ADAA. They also note that it is twice as common for women than for men to experience panic disorder, and symptoms will usually begin in the late teens to early adulthood.

Symptoms and signs of a panic attack

Although panic attacks may look different for everyone, there are general signs and symptoms of a panic attack. It typically includes some of these symptoms:

Sweating
Trembling
Dizziness or lightheadedness
Nausea
Chills
Shortness of breath
Rapid heart rate
Hot flashes
Abdominal cramping
Numbness
Feeling dying

Causes of panic attacks

There are many different reasons why someone may be experiencing panic attacks. Some of the factors may include:

Genetics: A history of panic attacks or panic disorder may put one at risk for panic attacks.
Trauma: Sexual assault, a serious accident, or any other traumatic experience.
Major life changes, such as having a child, moving out of town, or starting a new job.
Unhealthy habits, such as smoking or excessive caffeine intake.
A history of childhood abuse or sexul assault.

No matter the cause for the onset of panic attacks or panic disorder, it is important to note that there are things you can do to help to deal with and overcome these challenges. Thinking about the potential factors that have contributed to panic attacks can be important. That is, they can help you overcome the roots and underlying anxieties to your panic.

Social Tolls and Dangers of Panic Attacks

Related to panic attacks is the avoidance of social events or situations in fear that they will cause a panic attack. One of the scariest parts of experiencing a panic attack can be the fact that another one can happen, and at any moment. Since panic attacks don’t need a specific trigger to start, it can lead to people avoiding situations altogether. Reading our blog on social anxiety can help to overcome the fear of social situations related to panic attacks.

It is also important to note the other potential risks that may come along with panic attacks. These could include issues such as problems at work or school, depression or other anxiety disorders, alcohol or substance abuse, and other complications. Dealing with panic attacks or panic disorder can be stressful. That is why it is so important to be proactive and get the right help you need.

How to Stop a Panic Attack

There is no set way to stop panic attacks from happening, but there are many ways you can deal with and potentially prevent a panic attack before it happens.

1. Get medical treatment to stop panic attacks

Medical treatment can help to reduce the symptoms of panic attacks, including intensity and frequency of panic attacks, hence improve your daily functioning and quality of life. Go to a medical care professional and get the right medical care you need. This can include getting prescription with medicine such as SSRIs, SNRIs, benzodiazepines, or receiving other healthcare advice.

2. Regular sleep and exercise patterns

Having regular sleep and exercise schedules can help to deal with symptoms of panic attacks and anxiety. Yoga is a great form of movement that can help deal with these symptoms.

3. Practice mindfulness meditation and other breathing exercises

One of the main symptoms of panic attacks is shortness of breath, or hyperventilating. If you are able to control your breathing, it can greatly reduce the severity of a panic attack. Focus on taking deep breaths, in and out through the mouth. Set specific counts for how long you hold the breath in, and how long you exhale.

In mindful meditation, you use nonjudgmental awareness to accept or acknowledge your feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations. When are you about to have a panic attack, it is important to fully acknowledge the existence of any panicky emotions, feelings, and thoughts. The more you can experience them in your body and mind, the less anxious you would feel, and the more you can let them be.

4. Remind yourself that a panic attack is temporary

The symptoms of a panic attack usually reaches its peak within 10 minutes. Very rare does it last more than an hour. In other words, a panic attack usually ends within 20 to 30 minutes. It feels uncomfortable, but is not dangerous. It is important to remember that what you are experiencing is a panic attack and that it will pass shortly.

5. Close your eyes to stop a panic attack

Panic attacks may be more severe if there are many stimuli involved. Closing your eyes can help to tone down your environment. This way, it helps you to feel more relaxed. By the same token, this will also help with breathing exercises as mentioned above.

6. Focus on an object

Finding an object and focusing on as many details about it as possible. This can help to ground you during a panic attack. It can help to control other thoughts going on through your mind, so that you don’t focus on too many things at once. This is actually a simplified grounding technique we introduce below.

7. Use Grounding techniques to deal with a panic attack

Grounding technique means to bring your attention to what is happening to you physically, either in your body or in your surroundings. When your mind is racing mind, grounding brings you back to the here-and-now. It is very helpful in managing overwhelming feelings or anxiety. instead of being trapped by the thoughts in your mind that are causing you to feel anxious. In other words, it helps you to stay in the present moment instead of being trapped by the worrying thoughts in your mind.

The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique

The typical 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique uses all five senses to help you to redirect attention from anxious thoughts back to the present moment. It starts with you sitting comfortably. Close your eyes and take a few deep breathes. Open your eyes, look around you, and name out loud:

5 – things you can see (look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (e.g., your skin, the texture of the material on your chair, feel what your hair feels like; something in front of you that you can touch, etc.)

3 – things you can hear (e.g., traffic noise, birds chirping, foot stepping, music, AC, TV, water running, ).

2 – things you can smell (coffee, tea, freshly cut grass, vegetable, fruit, fragrance, essential oil…)

1 – thing you can taste (candy, chocolate, water, raisin, or any fruit. Take a small bite or sip. Let it swill around your mouth for a couple of seconds, really savoring the flavor).

Take a deep breath to end the exercise.

8. Develop healthy habits

Certain healthy habits can help to prevent panic attacks. For example, controlling your alcohol or coffee intake, as well as your diet, A 2010 study at Harvard Medical School showed that nutritional strategies can help to ease anxiety. Specifically, antioxidant, if included in the anti-anxiety diet, may help to reduce symptoms of anxiety disorders.

This Harvard study listed foods considered high in antioxidants by the USDA include:

Beans: Dried small red, Pinto, black, red kidney
Fruits: Apples (Gala, Granny Smith, Red Delicious), prunes, sweet cherries, plums, black plums
Berries: Blackberries, strawberries, cranberries, raspberries, blueberries
Nuts: Walnuts, pecans
Vegetables: Artichokes, kale, spinach, beets, broccoli
Spices with both antioxidant and anti-anxiety properties include turmeric (containing the active ingredient curcumin) and ginger.

9. Therapy for panic attacks

One of the most important ways to help deal with, and potentially prevent panic attacks, is speaking with a therapist. Psychotherapy can help you to understand panic attacks and panic disorder and learn how to cope with them. A good therapist can help you to cope with panic attacks and work out other ways to deal with anxiety.

Dealing with panic attacks will not be an easy task, but with the right treatments and care, you can help reduce their severity and even frequency. There are people out there who can help you cope with the symptoms of anxiety and panic, such as loved ones, a medical professional, or a therapist. Self-care is also one of the biggest factors in allowing lifestyle changes to take place to help live with symptoms of panic attacks. Taking the right steps to overcome the challenges that come with panic attacks can help ensure that fear of social situations and other big life events will be eased.

Dr. June and her team are here to support you and assist you in your journey of dealing with panic attacks and other anxiety disorders. Our therapists in New York will help you to identify the panic attacks, gain insight, learn coping skills, and practice techniques to validate yourself. Call us free for 15 minutes, you deserve respect and the best quality of a relationship.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli

7 Simple Ways To Deal With Social Anxiety

Posted on June 4, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

Do you find yourself dreading social events? Does the idea of seeing friends or meeting new people make you feel anxious? Try to avoid going on dates in fear of putting yourself out there? These may be signs of social anxiety. In this article, we will better understand and discuss simple ways to deal with social anxiety.

What is social anxiety or social phobia?

Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is also called social phobia. It can mean a number of things to different people. In general, it is the persistent fear of being watched or judged by others. This can seep into many areas of life, such as work, school, dates, events, and other day-to-day activities. Some people may mistake social anxiety disorder as shyness, however, social anxiety can really interfere with everyday life.

Generalized form of social anxiety

When you have social anxiety, it can be extremely challenging to do many things. For instance, it is intimidating to go on a job interview, have a date, answer a question in class, or speak to a stranger in public spaces. Generally speaking, this fear comes from a place where you do not want to be judged or rejected in whatever you are saying or doing. Therefore, such fear can seriously hinder your progression and accomplishments. When you have social anxiety, you often feel that social situations are out of your control. That is why you may start fearing and avoiding events weeks before they happen.

Performance anxiety

Another manifestation of social phobia is performance anxiety. That is, you may feel anxious when having to perform on a stage, giving a speech, playing in a sports game, or any other activities that involve an audience. Performance anxiety is about the fear of speaking in front of a group of people. In other words, it has less to do with meeting new people and socializing.

In the 2010 film The King’s Speech, for example, Prince Albert ascending the throne as King George VI, suffered from performance anxiety. Together with a speech therapist, the King was able to overcome his anxieties and learn to speak with confidence. This film inspired many people to believe that there is cure to social anxiety. It is a one-step-at-a-time process and can be a long journey; however, there is always hope and ways to overcome obstacles that social phobia may cause.

Signs of social anxiety disorder

People with social anxiety disorder may not all have the same symptoms. It is important to know that one person’s anxiety will not be the same as someone else’s. That is, knowing your personal symptoms will help you overcome your own challenges. Overall, people with social anxiety tend to:

Feel nauseous before social encounters
Blush, sweat, or tremble
Avoid meeting new people
Fear being judged
Be awkward or self-conscious while speaking to others
Show stiff posture or avoid eye contact
Ruminate on a social situation once its over
Feel dizzy and lightheaded
Have blank mind

How to deal with social anxiety disorder?

Thankfully, more people are speaking about social anxiety and mental health in general. Therefore, it has become a little easier to understand and acknowledge when you suffer from social phobia. Recent statistics show that about nine percent of the American population experiences social anxiety. So it is important to know that you’re not alone.

In order to deal with social anxiety, the first step is to recognize the signs and symptoms. Such awareness can help you to understand what you are dealing with and even accept yourself. The second step is to seek treatment. Typically, therapy, medication, and the combination of both the two could be treatment for social anxiety. Therapy can be an extremely effective way of dealing with social anxiety. Many people with social anxiety may decide to join support groups. They can be helpful in receiving advice from people who experience similar things as you. That could serve as a good reminder that you are not alone.

Besides psychotherapy and medication, other simples ways may be helpful to deal with social anxiety.

1. Use mindfulness meditation to manage social anxiety

Self-help practices can be an extremely useful tool, such as mindfulness breathing, relaxation, and meditation. The practice of mindfulness meditation involves learning to become aware of your emotions and thoughts without analyzing or reacting to them. That is, you pay attention to the present moment with interest, rather than judgment.You can practice mindfulness meditation daily. It can be as long as 20 to 40 minutes, or as mini-meditations of a few minutes throughout the day.

Specifically, you can use curiosity training to get out of your heads and into the moment. When you interact with a stranger, the typical social anxiety could be focusing your attention on yourself, such as criticizing your performance or appearance, trying to guess what others are thinking of us, struggling to script out what to say. Mindfulness helps you to earn to treat all those thoughts as background noise. In other words, you are aware of such noise, but not paying attention to it. Instead, you return your attention to taking interest in the situation, the person, and the conversation.

2. Exposure – Put yourself out there:

Exposure to feared situations could be an effective way. Exposure is where people face a feared social situation until their anxiety decreases or the anxiety-related expectancies are disrupted. It can help you overcome fears of specific social and performance situations. Sometimes, it is best to put yourself in a situation that you find daunting in order to practice being in situations that you find uncomfortable.

Exposure for the fear of socializing can involve a hierarchy including these social situations and any others that cause you anxiety.Vividly imagining the feared situation, role-playing with the therapist and using technology can also deliver exposure.

3. Seek help from others and a therapist

Asking for help is also extremely important when dealing with anxiety. Such help can be from a therapist, teacher, friend, parent, or anyone else you feel you trust and can speak openly to. If you find it too intimidating to talk to a friend or even your doctor, talking to a stranger online or through the help line could be the first step. Eventually, it could pave the way to share more with someone you know or a therapist. A psychotherapist will help you in a safe and confidential environment.

Know that you are not alone in the journey of dealing with your social anxiety. That is to say, the biggest fear people have is to speak in public; Also, social anxiety is the 3rd most common mental health disorder after depression and substance abuse. a psychotherapist

4. Keep a social anxiety journal to manage negative thoughts

Keeping a journal has proved to be one of the most useful tools for anyone dealing with anxiety and anyone who wants to improve their mental health. Writing out your thoughts can be a way to organize them in a complete judgement-free space. It can also help improve thinking patterns and avoid getting back into older, more negative ones.

Identify automatic negative thoughts

When you have social anxiety, you could have some typical automatic negative thoughts in social settings, such as:

I could say something stupid / wrong.
They could make fun of me.
No one likes me or is interested in me.
People will think I’m boring or awkward.
What I have to say isn’t good enough. No one will be interested.
They can tell I’m anxious and will think I’m weirdo.
I may embarrass myself.

Reframe negative thoughts

It is essential to recognize and dispute negative automatic thoughts when you try to manage social anxiety. You may be able to recognize your cognitive distortions and challenge them and other deeply-held beliefs. This way, you find evidence for and against your thoughts to make sure they are rational. With some help from your therapist, you can practice this skill on your own to reduce your social anxiety.

5. Set Goals to overcome social anxiety

Try and set goals for yourself, one step at a time. In order to achieve your goals to reduce social anxiety, the steps below may be helpful.

Improve awareness and understanding of your social phobia;
Recognize and reframe the automatic negative thoughts about yourself
Expose yourself in social situations to develop confidence, especially the ones you fear most
Practice positive affirmations to replace those defeated negative self-talk;
Improve your coping skills to deal with social anxiety

6. Manage perfectionism to reduce social anxiety

Indeed, perfectionism and social anxiety may go hand in hand with each other. That is, perfectionism may be making you socially anxious. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. In other words, accomplishing perfection is not the best goal. This is a great way to stop fearing judgement and criticism. (See our blog on perfectionism)

7. Say how you feel:

If you’re in a social situation that is making you uncomfortable or giving you any negative symptoms, tell someone. Don’t stay in a situation that you’re uncomfortable with in fear of judgment from others. It’s OK to say no.

Social anxiety has become increasingly common. Actually it is the number 3 mental health issues after depression and addiction. Our society is becoming more and more supportive. People with anxiety can speak about their difficulties freely. Although it still may seem daunting to speak about social anxiety, it is important to remember that many people want to help and support you. Whether you find therapy, support groups, or friends, the most helpful thing, there are always a number of ways to help deal with social anxiety.

Dr. June and her team are here to support you and assist you in your journey of dealing with gaslighting in a relationship. Our therapists in New York will help you to identify the gaslighting, gain insight, learn coping skills, and practice techniques to validate yourself. Call us free for 15 minutes, you deserve respect and the best quality of a relationships.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli

Gaslighting In A Relationship: Signs And Tips To Manage

Posted on May 17, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

At some point of our lives, we may all have experienced gaslighting in a relationship. That is, someone may manipulate or brainwash you to question your own reality. In fact, gaslighting can happen in any relationships, including romantic partners, family relationships, yes, such as parents, friendships, and at work.

What is Gaslighting?

Oftentimes, abuse may exist within relationships that can be difficult to catch with the eye. There are manipulation tactics that people use. Sadly that can really put people into a dark space. One of the ways that people tend to do this is through gaslighting. So what does gaslighting mean? It is simply manipulating someone to the point where you question your own sanity. It is brainwash, psychological abuse, and intentional manipulation.

Why is it called gaslighting? The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, where a husband attempts to drive his wife to insanity by dimming the lights in the house, and denying it when his wife points it out. This comes from his desire for power or control, which clearly exists in many abusive relationships. Gaslighting can even affect your perception, reality, or memories. All these apparently can cause severe damage to anyone.

How to Detect a Gaslighter in a relationship?

Based the National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are different techniques a gaslighter can use to manipulate you,

Countering: This is what a gaslighter uses to question your memories, such as,

“I never said that. You have a memory problem.”
“You are just making it up”
“You know you don’t remember things.”

Withholding: refusing to engage in a conversation, or pretending not to understand you so that they don’t have to respond to you. Examples are

“You know you don’t make sense”
“I don’t even know what you are talking about”
“You are confusing me”

Trivializing: when a gaslighter belittles or disregards your feelings. for example,

“What’s the big deal?”
“You are just exaggerating.”
“You are overreacting”.

Denial: pretending to forget events or how they occurred. For instance,

“You are just making that up”,
“That never happened”,
“I was just joking”.

Diverting: when a gaslighter changes the focus of a discussion and questions your credibility instead, such as,

“You are too sensitive”,
“You are just paranoid”,
“That sounds crazy. You need to check your brain.”

Stereotyping: using negative stereotypes about a person’s age, gender, race, ethnicity, sexuality, or nationality in order to manipulate them. For example,

“You women are always so dramatic”,
“Of course you millennials are selfish and not grateful.”

Types of Gaslighting

There are many instances where a romantic or sexual partner will use these tactics to gain control over their partner. As a matter of fact, this is a form of very serious abuse. These tactics can make someone feel isolated, scared, undermine their confidence, and so many more degrading emotions. Another type of relationship where gaslighting exists is through parent-child relationships. Abusive parents or caregivers may use gaslighting in order to control or shame children. They may belittle a child’s emotions or feelings, which can cause the child to feel serious isolation and shame. This will ultimately play into adulthood, where depression, anxiety, and other negative emotions can take over a person’s life.

Other types of environments to spot gaslighting includes

medical gaslighting where doctors or medical professionals may dismiss a patient’s medical concerns on the basis that the patient is mentally ill,
racial gaslighting when people use gaslighting techniques based on race or ethnicity,
political gaslighting when a political figure can manipulate information in order to control people, and
institutional gaslighting where gaslighting may occur in a company or organization.

These methods of gaslighting are all extremely damaging and harmful to people. It is interesting to note that gaslighting is not limited to one person, that is, its effects can reach a large number of people.

Signs of Gaslighting in a Relationship

How do you know someone is gaslighting you? A list of signs of gaslighting may help you to detect whether you are the victim. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you may be experiencing gaslighting if you:

Second-guess yourself and question yourself, “Maybe it is me”, “Guess I am wrong”
Ask yourself,“Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day
Often feel confused or crazy, “Am I crazy?”
Constantly apologizing to your partner.
Making excuses for your partner’s behavior or actions, “They did that not to control, but just to help me.”
Become withdrawn or unsociable
Find yourself holding information from loved ones so that you don’t have to explain or make excuses
Knowing something is terribly wrong, even though you cannot pinpoint it or express it
Lying in order to avoid reality twists
Having trouble making simple decisions.
Sensing that you used to be a different person- more relaxed, or happier
Feeling hopeless or joyless
Constantly doubting yourself and your worth, “I am not good enough.”

These are all extremely difficult things to deal with, even when experiencing just a single sign. It is important to detect these signs within yourself, or within others, in order to get the right help needed.

The Dangers of Gaslighting

Gaslighting may not seem as serious when it happens, especially because it can be implicit in such hidden ways; however, it can really change the course of your life. A person who is trying to gaslight you will, more often than not, try to do it in the least obvious way possible. By doing so, they try to avoid opposition or even outside involvement. It is very common to ask, or hear the question, “if they’re being abused, why don’t they just leave?” In fact, understanding the complex effects of gaslighting will help to understand people who face domestic abuse. Without a doubt, it can be extremely heartbreaking and frustrating to see your loved ones being the victim of gaslighting, especially when helping them may not be so simple.

From Love-Bombing to Gaslighting

One of the biggest techniques a gaslighter may use, oftentimes a male partner, will be to seem romantic or even love-bombing. Of course they will initially hide their gaslighting. They will convince you that it is through love and romanticism that they are treating you this way. Blaming you for their own actions will further increase this manipulation and abuse, to the point where you may truly put all blame on yourself. All of these points are reasons why gaslighting can be so dangerous for many different people. In other words, it is a form of manipulation which can cause serious damage, and be hard to detect. Overall, it is important to remember that any abuse you face, or a loved one faces, is only the abuser’s fault.

Gaslighting Causes Damage to Mental Health

In addition, gaslighting has terrible long-term consequences. In particular, if you are the victim of gaslighting, it destroys your self-esteem and confidence. Over time, you could become conditioned to doubt yourself, feel helplessness, unable to make decisions, presenting memory problems, having PTSD, depression, and anxiety. More importantly, even if eventually the relationship ends, these damage to mental health may persist for a long time.

How to Deal With Gaslighting in a Relationship

It can be extremely difficult to experience gaslighting, and there is no set answer to help to solve it. Yet there are a number of ways that you can deal with gaslighting, or to help a loved one who is experiencing it. This process involves mindfulness, a powerful tool to clear and protect your mind.

Awareness of Gaslighting

The first step is to identify the problem of gaslighting and manipulation. This awareness can be a difficult task within itself because it involves calm and clear thinking. If it helps, writing your conversations down in a journal may help to organize your thoughts objectively. Check how you felt in the process of all these conversations. Look at whether there are any patterns of repeated denial of your feelings from the other party.

Accept your Feelings

Second, allow yourself to accept all your feelings and feel them. Acknowledge that there is a good reason to feel how you feel, and it is ok to feel this way. If it helps, keep track of your feelings and understand what triggers different emotions. By doing so, not only can you accept your feelings, but you can take actions to practice effective strategies to shift your moods and focus on rational thinking.

Organize your Thoughts

Once you are able to stay calm, it is high time to organize your thoughts and figure things out. Ask yourself a bunch of questions:

How do I feel in this relationship?
Am I falling into the explanation trap?
Do I still have myself in this relationship?
What do I lose and what do I gain if I walk away from this toxic relationship?
Do I need a safety plan? What is it?

Once you have your clear answers, may be it is time to take actions. Meanwhile, if you feel the need to be more thorough, you can take a few other helpful steps.

Talk to Someone you Trust

Talk to your trusted friends or family. Ask them what they see in you that is different; Share with them your feelings; and Discuss with them your thoughts and plans. What is more important is to get their support you need to take actions. Chances are they may be able to help you with a clear vision, safety plan, understanding laws, and different strategies to achieve your goals.

Practice Self-Love and Self-Compassion.

When someone blames you, manipulates you, and even abuses you, it is very difficult to still have faith in yourself. That is to say, the best company of gaslighting is usually self-doubt and low self-esteem. However, part of the healing process involves practice of self-love and repeated self-compassion. This is to improve your confidence to believe in yourself again and make the decision for your own best interest.

Seek Therapy

Therapy can also be an incredible resource to speak about the toxicity and gaslighting you may be facing. As well, it is effective to get professional help so that you can figure out goals and a safety plan with your therapist. Psychotherapy provides a safe environment to disclose, discuss, and probably implement the plan. Besides, therapy helps you to heal as well as to better yourself with great insight about yourself and your relationships. There is always hope when dealing with gaslighting, Again, it is extremely important to remember that the blame only exists on the abuser’s fault.

Special thanks to the contribution of our psychology intern Tammy Krikheli

Understand and Overcome Perfectionism

Posted on April 23, 2021March 6, 2023 by junecao

Do you find yourself criticizing yourself often? You only feel happy when you can complete a task perfectly? Ever feel what you do is never enough? Do you have to have total control over your personal and professional relationships? If your answer is yes to most of these questions, you may very well be dealing with perfectionism.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is about the desire to achieve perfection, or refuse to accept any flaws. As much as it helps you to achieve your goals, it could be painful and shameful, especially because it often leads to self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. In fact, we all know someone who may be a perfectionist. Obviously they have impeccable grades, double check everything they work on, and will feel terrible if they could not compete a task in its best form. These all might sound like great qualities, but only if they are about healthy achievement and growth.

The toxicity with perfectionism is not the desire for success, rather it is the avoidance of failure. Instead of being on a positive track, this type of thinking causes a negative orientation. In other words, fear takes over more than anything else. In reality, people who seek perfection rather than achievement actually end up being less productive. There is often a cloud of self-doubt and hesitation that comes with fear of making mistakes. Obviously this can be seriously harmful for your mental health as well as for achievements and success.

Signs Of Being A Perfectionist

Since the traits of being a perfectionist are quite common, it is important to distinguish being a high achiever from perfectionism. Identifying these traits can be useful to help motivate changing your mindset, environment, and drive towards success. Once you make that distinction, it will become easier to formulate a plan to adjust your mindset so that you are your happiest.

What a Perfectionist Looks Like

Typically a perfectionist always goes above and beyond the call of duty, and executes things to an nth degree. As a perfectionist, you obsess and overthink, dwell and stew on any tasks you work on. Also, there is nothing between 0 and 100 , that is, either you get it perfectly, or else is failure, including 99.

In general, these are some of the common traits a perfectionist exhibits:

Being pushed by fear
Critical of oneself
Unrealistic standards
Procrastination
Low self-esteem
Depressed from unmet goals
Controlling in personal relationships

These factors can sometimes be seemingly positive. Although they can lead to persistence and diligence, they can cause a toxic mindset, and ultimately feelings of depression and anxiety. Being able to bring these traits into control is important to ensure a positive and well-oriented path to achieving your goals!

What a High Achiever Looks Like

Unlike a perfectionist, a high achiever can be satisfied with doing an excellent job despite of small mistakes or lessons. They are much less critical of themselves and of others than are a perfectionist. That is, they can accept the flawed self and make peace with themselves. In addition, a high achiever is able to bounce back fairly easily from disappointment, instead of beating themselves up, Overall, a high achiever is less likely to be fear driven to achieve their goals.

What Causes Perfectionism?

Generally speaking, many different factors contribute to perfectionism. The overarching and most common facet is having unhealthy motivations and habits, especially when you try to achieve goals or avoid failures. It may also be more prevalent if you have had a bad experience of receiving criticism or “failing” a test or task. Wanting to avoid failure is not inherently negative; however, it is important to know that mistakes are okay and unavoidable in life. In addition, having low self-esteem can be one factor in wanting to achieve perfection. Self-critical people, on the other hand, may also avoid criticism from others.

Trying to deal with perfectionism becomes a harder task when you feel unable to speak to someone. When you’re reluctant to share your thoughts and feelings, it can feel a bit hopeless to try and change your mindset. It is hard to reveal your vulnerability to begin with, let alone the fear you might say the wrong thing or be seen as imperfect. By speaking to family members, friends, or a therapist, you can help to remind yourself that you are enough, and the job that you’re doing is enough. Especially when talking to people who are close to you and care for you, it can be an easier process to attain those positive reminders.

Dangers of Perfectionism

Some of the traits of being a perfectionist are seemingly positive things, such as being detail-oriented and having high standards. Although these ideas are facets of perfectionism, the real toxic aspects go deeper. For example, one may think that by caring about details and being scared of failure would lead to accomplishing many goals, and in a timely manner.

In reality, the focusing and obsession of details can lead to extreme procrastination. This can cause negative thoughts and feelings. When you focus on not failing, rather than accomplishing, you may want to avoid meeting a deadline. This is particularly the case when you feel that the task needs more efforts to achieve perfection. Instead of accomplishing things on a to-do list, a perfectionist will be more likely to delay the completion of a task in fear of imperfection.

There is also the danger of focusing so much on the perfection of a task. As a result, the journey is no longer enjoyable. You may forget the beauty of working process towards a goal when you only focus on the perfect accomplishment. These habits can lead to countless feelings of self-doubt, which can really control your life. Overall, having some of these traits do not have to be negative, as long as they are healthy and in moderation.

Tips to Overcome Perfectionism

It can be difficult to try and find the best solutions when anxiety or negative thoughts come with perfectionism. Also, the best solutions work for others may not be ones that work for you. In fact, they should be well customized to what fits your needs. Here are some tips for dealing with perfectionism:

Set realistic standards for yourself.
Reward yourself for accomplishments, even when you feel they may be imperfect.
Remind yourself that people may not be paying as much attention to the details within your work, and are less likely to identify flaws.
Set strict time limits on your tasks.
Learn to cope and accept criticism.
Speak to people about how you feel, and remind yourself that you are

We are Here to Help

Trying to overcome perfectionism can be a challenging process, but it can be achieved through using the right resources and adjusting your mindset in the way that works best for you. Speaking to a therapist can really help this process, especially because it leaves room in your schedule to really relieve everything building up in your mind. The most important thing to remember is that what you are doing is enough, and it can be helpful to repeat that as much as you need to!

If you are struggling with perfectionism and related anxiety, our psychotherapists in New York are here to help you. Give us a call free for 15 minutes. The therapists in our team will assist you in this journey of overcoming your perfectionism.

Special thanks to the contribution of our intern Tammy Krikheli

Should I Move On From An Ex Or Should I Wait?

What are the signs you should move on?

Moving-on May Take Some Time

How To Move On From An Ex?

1. Allow Yourself Time To Grieve

2. Accept That the Breakup Happened

3. Identify the Main Issues

4. Detach, Disconnect, and Detox

5. Lean on Support

6. Take Time To Focus on Yourself and Heal

7. Talk to a Therapist or Counselor

What is Burnout and Burnout Effects?

The 5 Stages of Burnout

1. Honeymoon Phase

2. Stress Onset

3. Chronic stress

4. Burnout

5. Habitual Burnout

Negative Burnout Effects for Young People’s Mental Health

Burnout Effects vs. Depression vs. Anxiety

Depression Symptoms:

Burnout Symptoms:

Young People and Burnout

How to Overcome Burnout for Young People

How to Reduce Burnout as College Students

1. Work Smarter

2. Ask for Help

3. Lean on Other Students

4. Talk to a Counselor

5. Realize That You Are Worth More Than Your Grades

How to Cope with Burnout as Young Professionals

1. Realize That You are More Than Your Job

2. Follow Your Own Time-Line

How to Reduce Burnout for Young Couples

Communication Skills

Try Couples Counseling

General Burnout Coping Tips

What the Pandemic Has Done to the World:

Distanced Us from Other People and Increased Isolation

Created a Division in Our Society

Made us Fear Doing Mundane Tasks

Prevented Us From Living Our Lives

Cause Immeasurable Loss in Our Lives

Ways to Deal with Pandemic Stress

First, Check-in With Yourself Daily

Second, Do Things That Make You Happy

Third, Lean on social support

Fourth, Turn to Mindfulness in Times of Stress

Fifth, Encourage Yourself to Get Through Pandemic Stress

Ways to Encourage Yourself:

Sixty, Don’t Do Things that Make You Uncomfortable

Seventh, Consider Going to Therapy for Pandemic Stress

Why You May Be Struggling in Your Relationship

1. There is No Trust

2. Communication is Non-Existent or Terrible

Communication is essential when disagreements arise

Communication is important in your physical relationship with your partner

Communication is essential when planning for/talking about your future

3. You Have Grown Apart from Each Other

What Makes a Healthy Relationship

1. Identify the Ways You Prefer to Communicate

2. Establish Boundaries in Your Relationship That Are Concrete

3. Tell Your Partner What You Need to Feel Safe in a Relationship

4. Continue Having Fun With Each Other

5. Explore Each Other’s Love Language

6. Listen to Your Partner

7. See a Couples Counselor to Learn What Makes a Healthy Relationship

Chinese International Students Support Group中国留学生互助小组

How can the International Students Support Group Help me? 留学生互助小组可以帮我什么？

What is Discussed in the Chinese International Support Group留学生互助小组讨论的内容

Group Facilitators小组主持人

Registration for Chinese International Students Support Group如何参加留学生支持小组

Individual Psychotherapy Services为留学生提供中文心理咨询

What is Sunday Scaries

The Pandemic Worsens Sunday Scaries

How to Cope with Sunday Scaries

1. Clear your Mind

2. Set the Relaxing Tone for the Weekend

3. Set aside a “Worry Time”

4. Create a To-Do-List